Haston Helping Hands

Dear Readers,

My mother of choice is amazing and strong and smart and is REALLY struggling with social distancing because she can’t (safely) hug her grandkids.

Another friend who is not a fan of socializing is “being there” for folks who are social butterflies like myself, but finding that it’s wearing on her to be there for them.

A friend of mine lost his job and is working on figuring out next steps. In the meantime, he is taking time to figure out ways to maximize the time to encourage his creativity.

Still another friend is trying to balance teaching her kid, working from home and on top of having (understandably) high levels of stress with the two of them in close quarters, she is also concerned she isn’t teaching her kid enough. What a great Mom.

And on and on, with stories just like this.

Stuff is HARD right now. Life is HARD right now. Some people have it easier than others, and it does no good to compare suffering.

Take me, for instance, I knew getting myself set up to work from home was going to be challenging and it was going to take a hot minute, so I told myself, be patient with yourself and others and realize this is probably going to take a whole lot more time than you think. Guess what? I still was impatient with myself and frustrated at my lack of productivity though I had steeled myself for that very thing.

“We are grieving the loss of the ordinary”- Professor Haston

Just a month ago, I was going to the gym and complaining about it.

So the internet is full of well meaning folks telling you what a wonderful opportunity this affords us to work on a new skill or clean out your closets, with articles with titles like “How Not To Kill Your Spouse” and “Clean Your Closet During Covid” and “10 New Things to Do While Quarantined” while that sounds great, it can and is often exhausting to think about adding yet another item to your to do list. I don’t think you need to take anything else on, do you?

You are already learning tons of new skills just to survive. Strategic shopping/delivery for groceries. Social distance is a constant. Learning how to become a teacher when you had no aspirations to do it ever, and let’s not forget the ever present fear that despite all this care and precaution, you might still get the dreaded virus and have to cope with that too.

So I say again, it’s a lot. You need to give yourself a ton of grace and realize things have drastically changed for everyone and we are ALL coping the best way we know how.

For me, there has been crying, and a lot of frustration expressed, and some unexpressed. Working on that, because the temptation is strong to try and be positive and try to spin because that’s my default position, and it doesn’t serve people to cover their very real fears with a “at least….” useless fill in the blank platitude.

So what I say is, figure out what works for you. If you need a little more rest (trust me you do) take it.

If you need to social distance 8 feet instead of 6, I support that. You want to collapse at the end of the day because you literally have nothing left to give work or your kids or your spouse. That’s okay too.

Something that I started doing last week that is really helping is I am resuming practice on my songs (after my last show in February I stopped for a bit) and working two or three counts of a Broadway number (Free thanks to YouTube!) a night. Check out my “Fosse”

This might last two weeks or a month, but right now, having ANY kind of routine is really keeping me grounded, so I am trying that. Next week might be a whole different thing, so stay tuned.

If you are so inclined, tell me something you are “having to do” and something you are “trying” because of “flattening the curve” behavior…

Let me hear both- please.

Who knows, maybe something you are trying will become someone else’s new normal…

Think About It!

Dear Readers,

Disclaimer: if you are feeling overwhelmed and not willing to look at the things you have to be grateful for, and simply want to focus on the struggle, I respect that.

I vacillate daily between, “this really sucks” and “it’s not really that bad”.

But then, I heard Brene’ Brown’s podcast and she urged us not to engage in comparative suffering, but to practice extreme empathy, especially with ourselves.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past decade, it’s that fear and scarcity immediately trigger comparison, and even pain and hurt are not immune to being assessed or ranked. [However,] the refugee in Syria doesn’t benefit more if you conserve your kindness only for her and withhold it from your neighbor who’s going through a divorce.

Brene Brown

I am guilty of this.

Typical phrase.

“There are people dying, why am I complaining about how much I want to go to the gym or how frustrating it is to not see a show I wanted to see.”

We minimize it, even using words like, “it’s such a first world problem” – or “I really shouldn’t complain/vent/bellyache about this, but…”

Why? Why do we minimize what upsets us?

Sometimes it’s a way to gain permission, because you are testing the room to see if the other person is ready to listen and support, or if they are going to try to outcomplain you… or try to make you feel better by saying, “at least you have a job” because they don’t or something similar.

I am going to stop saying, “first world problem” and just talk about what I am struggling with and I invite you all to do the same. It might be that you are sick of your four walls, it might be that you feel useless because you can’t go anywhere.

I am frustrated that this virus is stopping me from going to the park with my little girl. She keeps saying “park” and “gym” and I have to keep saying, “no, we can’t go to the park”. I hate that. It frustrates me, not the saying no part, that’s parenting. I hate that it’s not my choice. I hate that I can’t see her face light up when she runs to the swings right now. I have a lot of pictures that I can look at, and there is nothing like that look of pure joy she gets when she is delighted, so I miss it.

On the flipside, I am grateful for the chance to discover new ways to get that look on her face. For example, tonight, we were doing some coloring and she told me, color turtle green, so I did. I asked her, “do you want to color it or do you want Mommy to color it?” She squealed (squeeeeee) and said, “Mommy!!!!” and there was that look. Ah. There you go, munchkin. Look, we figured out a new thing to make you happy and I am grateful for it. I am grateful to my friends who keep checking on me, since they know I am a social butterfly currently stuck in a cocoon…

I am grateful to my friend, Erin who inspired today’s post because while we send a gratitude list (literally a list of things we are grateful for) to each other, it was her idea to talk about the struggles too. Yin and Yang.

I tend to look at life through rose-colored glasses, and in the last year, that has become a whole lot harder to do, and it’s that much more important to maintain.

Take a minute to reach out and tell someone your struggles and your joys (things you are grateful for) right now!

Think About It!!

Feeling pretty helpless? You are not alone. We are not alone. It may feel like it, and sitting in your house and looking at your four walls might make you feel like it, everyone is a phone call (wouldn’t it be nice if people called each other more because of this?) text, FaceTime or (insert your favourite platform here) away.

Today’s message? Look for the good, and if you don’t find it. BE The Good!

Dear Readers,

I don’t know about you but I am pretty freaked out about this virus.

And before you ask, no, I am not high risk for it, and it’s still scary as anything any of us have ever faced, excepting maybe the Holocaust, which by all accounts is cited over and over as the worst thing ever in the so my use of the example should be a good indicator of how little frame of reference I actually have for this thing.

I have several friends and family members who are high risk and it’s terrifying to think that someone they don’t even know could get them sick and they could die if they get it. Scarier still, I could have it and not know it and give it to them.

I think if we are honest, we are all very scared and making the best of a bad situation. (Insert FaceTime -and other Virtual platforms here)

How about you? Are you calm? Freaked out? Nonchalant? Somewhere in the middle or none of the above?

I will say that I am relieved that we have so many cities taking it seriously and insisting on “stay in place” orders to help “flatten the curve” and stop the spread.

So what to do to feel better?

1. Make sure to follow the CDC guidelines-

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prepare/prevention.html

2. Consult with a therapist, (but Professor Haston, we can’t leave the house, how can we see the therapist?)

Glad you asked! Welcome to teletherapy! In response to this pandemic, several therapists are offering care via virtual platforms.

3. Review the guidelines, wash your hands and ask, am I doing all I can do to prevent the spread?

4. Find an outlet- Meditate, draw, sing, dance, This can be a great opportunity to write your book/song/YouTube Channel show.

5. Read the news (sparingly!) to stay informed and if/when you feel your anxiety ratchet up, reach out to a friend, and make a plan to “virtually hang out”

6. Look for the good. There are lots of stories out in the news about moguls giving money to help find a cure. That’s good, and isn’t getting shared as much as it could be. Also, if you can’t find the good, be the good. Thank your grocery store clerk for being a hero/heroine for coming to work with a smile on their face, and if they are stressed (who wouldn’t be?) say, wow, it’s tough, or something like it, you might be the only person who notices them and really SEES the human in front of you.

So that’s my message this week, look for the good and be the good in the world.

It’s a great time to be kind.

Think About It.

Dear Readers-

It’s scary out there so please be sure- (for the millionth time) to wash your hands and practice social distance.

Read articles from the CDC to get your information and more importantly share your information.

Plan ahead- if you are going to be somewhere stay 6 feet away from the other person!

I reiterate, it’s so important that we be there- VIRTUALLY right now.

It took me a long time to stop the needless worry and to “healthy level of concern” and I want to continue that even in this time of fear and worry.

Wash your hands, stay safe and tell me about something you cancelled or was cancelled for you, and the flip side, what are you doing to “stay social” through social distance?

The Professor Helps! Professor Haston- speaker, writer, author- Inspiring YOU to your best life

Dear Readers,

This past weekend, I got to spend time with my best friend, Dr. Keya Howard Litt!

In preparing to write today’s post, I started thinking about the longevity and depth of the friendship as we got some real quality time (in person)!!!!!!!

This is pretty rare for us. Why? Because she and I have lived in different time zones and different countries for most of our friendship. Especially in milestone moments.

For example, when I got married, she came to Texas to “be there” from many miles, and vice versa! (Her from across country, me from across the state, but why quibble?)

Come to think of it, she was there when I did my first show in two years, she came to not only support me (while job hunting, mind you!) and providing her niece childcare and my husband and I, a very much needed “day date”

It’s a real gift to be so close to someone that you often think the same things, and even now after 16 years of friendship, we have discovered new things about each other, for instance, she HATES avocados and I LOVE them. We both dislike beer, and enjoy cider (thanks for the suggestion, Dr!!)

I could tell lots of stories but it all boils down to her “being there“ over and over and over again.

In millions of ways and for oh so many days, she is “there” and it’s a wonderful gift. It is better known as quality time in the lexicon of love languages and it can be quiet, (a text when she knows it’s a hard day for me) or loud when we scream with excitement together.

“Sometimes the bravest and most important thing we can do is just show up”- Brene Brown

As this goes to print, I am delighted to share she will be a Mom soon and that will be a new and wonderful (often frustrating) thing we will have in common.

I look forward to a lot more chances to “be there” for her and my nephew.

Thank you, Dr. Howard Litt, you are an amazing friend and I love you to bits and pieces.

Who do you have in your life who ALWAYS is there?

Take a minute to thank them publicly or privately. I am sure they would love it.

Think About It!

Jenn Haston- speaker, writer, author- Inspiring YOU to your best life.

Dear Readers,

Today is a hard day for my husband and I, because five years ago, we had a miscarriage.

It still hurts, and every year on this day, I get a twinge and I am reminded all over again about the baby we lost.

John Alan Haston- 3/10/15

It’s so interesting to me, that our day of sad remembrance is a day of jubilee for others.

I remember clearly a friend telling me, “Don’t hold back your sad news in the face of my joy or your happy news in the face of my sadness”

I often think about that when this day comes around, and while it’s true that you cannot have flowers without rain, but the rain can be so cold and unforgiving, it’s hard to forget it does have a purpose.

I am going to go on sharing this because it’s something we as a society, do not talk about enough. So my call to action to you, dear readers, is if you have a similar experience, or someone who has had a miscarriage, please please post a heart or a ❤ on this post to stand in solidarity with those who have had loss.

I am sad today, and that is because we lost our child.

No amount of “sorry for your loss” changes that, and it’s something we say because in loss, there is little to say to bring comfort, other than to just “be there”

It’s often underestimated as a thing to do, and sometimes it is the only thing to be done.

Think About It.