Month: February 2017

Dear Readers,

I should update those of you who are not on Facebook and Twitter or reading anything but my blog. I GOT A PART! I GOT A PART! I GOT A PART!!!!!!! here is my face when I found out…

It’s a show called “My Big Fat Bahookie” and it’s all about how your body is perfect as it is! I have had exactly one rehearsal and am seriously jazzed about the project! (stay tuned to my blog for more discoveries

Taking this part involves juggling more time away from home and balance to my life. I am as ever, very grateful for a partner who understands that about me and is helping to support me doing something for me while he parents our child and gives me space to work on my craft. In addition, I really like to socialize so I had the night off from rehearsal last night and was excited to be social with some friends I have not seen in a while! I have definitely been planning less of these of late (see above for balancing act) and I was looking forward to it.

It had been a very busy day at work and I was feeling very stressed as I walked up the stair to our place, and made a snap decision to cancel. Why was it so hard to admit that? I even hesitated to reach out to both to reschedule…. I guess it is  throwback to my days as a people pleasing person. I would often worry to ridiculous levels if someone was mad at me because I didn’t hear from them. It’s a positive side effect of growing older and let’s be honest, having a kid, to realize that no one has time for that.

If someone is mad at me, I fully expect them to talk to me about it and do not expect me to be a mind reader and figure it out. I am blessed to have very decidedly healthy relationships (That was not always the case!) and I am grateful for them.

In this particular case, I let it go and reached out to both and they were extremely understanding which I appreciated. It is possible that both of them felt the same. I am glad I reached out and said something, because truly, I needed last night for some “me” time.

I am so glad I took it and rescheduled with the women who loved me enough to say, “Take care of yourself”.. to which I replied, “Thank you, I am!”

So my message this week? Self-care is not selfish, it’s Smart!

THINK ABOUT IT!

Dear Readers,

This month has been a very exciting one, professionally. I went back to work after being on leave for 3 months. It is definitely an adjustment, AND I am delighted to find I still really love my job and the people I work with every day. I also have a fabulous partner in my husband who understands how much I love to act and knows it takes time for me to prepare to audition, and gives me that time and space to pursue my craft.
Many times, I have talked about being an artist and how being rejected SUCKS OUT LOUD.

This is not that kind of post.

 

As I write this, I have not only auditioned well (drum roll, please!)….I have gotten called back for both!!!!!!!!! Yes, you read that correctly. Let me say it again, I have two callbacks!! (mini wave and celebration of ME)

I am going to pause right now and reread that sentence because it’s so wonderful to be able to write it.

I really hesitated to post this, thinking maybe I should not be so excited about it or let myself get excited.. or better yet, pretend that I don’t care that much or that it happens all the time. My first rule in writing this blog (which requires me to be honest even when it hurts or is scary), prevents me doing that.  I am honestly so excited right now and that bears sharing. This is awesome and deserves celebration.

How did this amazing thing happen? Well, I made a decision after taking my Meissner class in 2014 that from now on, I will only audition for things that inspire me and challenge me. This promise to myself, became even more important after I had my daughter, because as you might imagine, time is even more valuable so it requires that it be something extraordinary to pull me away. Through all this, I kept looking for projects that got me excited, and didn’t audition for everything that came my way.

It’s worth noting, that along the path of these all too real rejections, I have been lucky enough to get real and valuable feedback, one director telling me, “whatever you are doing, keep it up” which was and is, very encouraging! It’s definitely not as good as, “you got the part!” AND it’s something that’s kept me moving with my head up despite a lot more no than yes.

I have to say, It’s quite the heady rush. I wanted to write this before the result to capture the euphoria I am feeling before the results are in for this particular event.

No matter what the result, this is a MAJOR validation of my legitimacy as an artist and my path that I am walking and encouragement to keep auditioning.

This passion for “treading the boards” is warranted and I am right where I need to be.
“It’s the work of the actor to audition, getting the role is gravy” said by Richard Robichaux in my Meissner class two years ago. I admit saying this when rejected can feel a bit like a consolation prize, AND today I get it. I really did approach both callbacks like, “I get to play both these parts RIGHT NOW and I am having time of my life!”
I feel energized and excited at the possibilities of the gaining of both these parts while realistically knowing, it’s likely I will get offered one, and maybe none, but certainly not both.
For those who don’t audition, liken it to that time when you interview (we all interview for jobs, right?) for more than one job and you nail it and find yourself with two offers.
That’s when you have the truly wonderful dilemma of which to choose. It’s a great place to be and I hope that in writing all this down RIGHT NOW, I remember this the next time I am rejected for a part I really want.

Remembering always, that it is a lot more “no” than”yes” when putting yourself out there as an artist.
Thank you, Richard Robichaux for teaching me to value my work and my craft every day, every line, every audition, no matter the result.

Yes, I am an artist.

Think About It.

Dear Readers,

I have been giving a lot of thought to this question.

I have been trying hard to incorporate the act of responding not reacting in  my daily life since becoming a mom. If my child cries, and I react with a “oh my god, what is wrong?” and what can I do to “fix” it.. what am I teaching her? That when she cries, I will freak out.

I have been trying to approach it like okay, something is wrong, she can’t tell me what, so I get to play detective. I usually look her in the eyes and say, oh my .. are you hungry? I can tell you are upset, I wish I knew what was wrong…  and then you start the process of asking them what is wrong. It feels a little silly to me because she can’t talk, AND I know someday she will so we will be in the habit of asking her what is wrong when she cries.

Sometimes I wish it was as easy as they make it look on television and the movies. Notably, the character of Miranda Bailey on Grey’s Anatomy, she has a particular scene where she is in the middle of surgery and someone else is caring for her baby, who is crying. The intern holds the baby up to the intercom, and lets Miranda hear the cry, she listens for a second and then says, “Ah, that is cry #4, that means he is hungry, if you feed him, he will stop crying” – If only it were that easy! But it’s not.

For now, I follow my dear friend Rachel’s advice which is to help your child by telling them to breathe when they get upset, and when they are wailing, it’s pretty hard to do but as my Mom pointed out, the breathing exercise is more for the parents than the kid. It’s to calm you down, so you can respond and not react.

This is VERY hard advice to follow, AND I am starting to see some small wins with it so far.

A big part of this is asking for help when I need it, still not easy for me, because Lord forbid, I ever let on I need help or support, I am Superwoman, remember?

No, I am human, flawed and a beautiful little snowflake, just like you, I get frustrated and tired and am learning when I need a break and giving myself permission to take it.

Tonight is a great example, I came home and my wonderful husband said, go take a “mommy break” so I went to his man cave (gasp!) and plopped myself in a chair and watched Seinfeld for an hour and drank a Pepsi and ate some Pringles (and wrote this post!)

Can I just tell you, that hour did me so much good, and I felt incredible taking care of myself like that. I can tell you when I picked up my daughter an hour later, I was much more ready to respond and not react. Whether you have a kid or not, you likely work hard and don’t take enough time to relax.  Relaxing is underrated and under done. Please be sure that you take time for yourself and reconnect with you. You are pretty great and you likely support lots of people, be sure you take the time to do what you need to do to support you.

Think about it!

Dear Readers,

This week has been a trying one. Nothing catastrophic, just annoying and stressful.

I looked up earlier this week to realize my driver’s license was expired.. oops- meant to take care of that while I was on maternity leave.

I went to get it renewed in person because you can only renew it online once and then they make you renew it in person. It turned out to be a good thing because I now know that I need glasses to correct my vision while driving. I wear glasses frequently but had NO idea I needed them to drive. So that is kind of a bummer

While driving home, my husband was behind me in his car and noticed my brake light was out. So my plan was to go to the store and get the fuse I needed. I was also planning to put it in myself, yes I was going to look it up on youtube and use the daylight left to figure it out.. but then I had a delay which really screwed up my plan. Yesterday, I was leaving work, I could NOT find my car in the garage, I walked all over looking for it, and became very convinced I was losing my mind. I did eventually find it, but that was very stressful and as a result I was not in the best frame of mind when I came home…

But you know what, the second I walked in the house, I saw my husband and daughter who both smiled at me, and the day was instantly better.

So that lasted about 15 minutes, because soon after that, Vivienne started to wail, I mean like someone was hurting her wail.. so we tried feeding her, rocking her, burping her, changing her, nothing worked.. until I got up and walked with her on my shoulder. I am not a magical mother or anything, it’s just trial and error. Here’s a fun fact, that doesn’t always work.. As my good friend Durbin says, “the pain of motherhood is that what works on Friday, doesn’t always work on Tuesday” because right after she calmed down, she got upset again.. teething? gas? who knows.. we just know she is upset, because she is crying.

It’s frustrating, and it’s part of this journey-Yesterday, being a mom was REALLY hard.

I am being honest because I refuse to be part of the culture that is stuck in comparison and perfection. Yesterday was a hard day, today may be better, and we don’t know.

I am so incredibly grateful to have my husband staying home with her because that gives me such peace of mind as I head off to work. It’s a pretty thankless job, especially since his boss can’t give him commendations or raises so I thank him whenever I can, and I thank him again right now publicly. Thank you Jeremy, thank you for giving our daughter the gift of you, thank you for helping me go to work and win, thank you for being all the things you are that make you an amazing dad. Thank you for being you.

It’s a wonderful gift and I don’t want it to ever go unsaid how much I love you and how much you are my hero. Thank you.