Haston Helping Hands

Dear Readers,

Yesterday I was in a hurry and forgot to close my trunk. I didn’t realize this till I was stopped at a red light a few blocks from my house and I saw someone get out of the car and heading toward my car, my first instinct was to panic but then I heard a “clunk” and saw my trunk closed. I didn’t even know it had been open! I rolled down my window and said, “Thank you” to the kindly soul who noticed it. Today I was in traffic and I let someone in and they waved. (I hate it when they don’t wave)

Today, our server dropped a glass and it shattered, someone else in our group went to help clean up. I really regret not jumping in to help, but as someone else pointed out, “I don’t want to get in the way.” and quite frankly, I was feeling lazy.

Yesterday, as I was walking to the elevator, I said, “Hold the elevator” and someone else did. None of these acts together are anything special but one at a time, they filled a need I had at the exact moment I had it.

It got me thinking, we could all stand to be a little kinder to each other, and one of the best ways I know how to do that is to notice other people. It’s a sure-fire way to help take the focus off of yourself and think about other people.

A few years ago, I heard Andy Andrews speak and one of my favourite things he taught me (and an audience of thousands) was to peel a banana the right way… From the bottom. All it takes is the act of  “noticing” that peeling it from the top takes longer and is more difficult. I also love this quote of his. “A people – all lives – are either in a crisis, coming out of a crisis or headed for a crisis.”

“A people – all lives – are either in a crisis, coming out of a crisis or headed for a crisis.”

So that may seem kind of depressing, but not to me. I think it’s an an opportunity to serve.

Your one kind act of –

1. Smiling at a stranger who looks downcast.
2. Texting a friend who is far in distance but close in your heart
3. Letting someone cut ahead of you in line.
4. Stepping in to help when you see a need.
5. Holding the door open for someone.

could be just the “lift” they need to keep them going on a very rough day.

Think About it, Notice a Need, Do Something. Think About It!

Dear Readers,

I must confess it’s been a rough couple of weeks all around.

There have been deaths in the family, work stress, and parent stress and friend stress and well, quite honestly, just life getting in the way of my feeling good.

I suspect I am not alone.. so I wanted to give you my top 5 ways to feel better when you feel down….

1. Listen to some music that literally makes you get up and dance. I don’t mean that makes you bop along in your seat, I mean, you hear it and you MUST dance.

Like this video for “Sugar” – Maroon 5 went around and crashed all these people’s weddings and it’s just so much fun!

or Happy-

2. Watch something that makes you feel better— like this guy.. who showed us the evolution of dance…

and this guy.. who danced in lots of places

or watch a truly artistic feat by OK Go when they perform in zero gravity

Disney.. this one always perks me up… probably because the vultures remind me of the Beatles…

This Disney movie is all about the magic and loveliness of New Orleans.

3. Watch a movie that makes you cry–(I know it seems backwards, but stick with me)

Crying releases chemicals and that helps flush it out of your body, and then you feel better.. some go to “make me cry movies”

Steel Magnolias

Beaches

Morning Glory

Rudy

There are tons that make me cry, because as it turns out, I am a bit of a crier when I let myself going as any of my friends can tell you.. In fact,  one of my friends has a saying, “McKenna, you are such a weeper” which goes back a ways.

4. Go talk to a friend (e.g don’t stay by yourself and isolate) that you can just vent to.. and then let them do the same, it may be that they are on a high and encourage them to talk to you about what’s going well, it will make you feel better. I will never forget the time I had a promotion and a really awesome speaking gig that I hesitated to tell my friend about (mainly because she was going through unemployment and some family drama)  on telling my down in the dumps friend who was going through unemployment about my good news .. and when she asked (after venting her spleen about her situation) what’s going on with you? I told her and she was super happy for me because I have good friends, not selfish ones. I made a mental note then to always share with the idea of abundance not scarcity.

It will switch and she will have joy and I will have pain and vice versa. That’s life folks.

5. Eat some ice cream or cookie dough or whatever it is that truly comforts YOU.

For me, that is Haagen-Dazs Caramel Cone-

Yep, I said it. I am all for health goals (documented well on this blog) AND when you feel like crap it’s really hard to get yourself up and motivated to exercise and keep to healthy eating so give it up (not forever) but recognize you are in a season that is stressful so honor that and meet yourself where you are and do some comfort for yourself.

I hope that you don’t need this right now, but the way life works, you will at some point so tuck it away so you have some “go to happy” when you need it.

Please share your go to ways to feel better. I think we could all use that right now.

Think About it…. 

Dear Vivienne,

Today you are one year old! ONE! YAAAAAAAAY ONE! We are teaching you to count right now, so there you go. Joyeux Anniversaire!! We are also teaching you French, and will continue to do so. Je t’aime mon petit champignon!! (this means mushroom) and Mommy loves mushrooms, so it is in fact a term of endearment.

Look at you! Your smile lights up the world and you charm everyone you meet.

You are a treasure and as we tell you each and every day,

“We love you, We are proud of you, and You are ours”

I would like to add, Thank you so much for being born!

You are teaching your mother patience and grace. Two things your Mom is still working on AND you have done a great job this first year instructing her on how “to relax, relax, relax”

It may interest you to know, your Nana has been trying to teach me that lo these many years, so congratulations on doing that which she could not do.

What a joy you are, what joy you bring to the world and definitely our world!

Your eyes sparkle and I can see the wheels turning, you haven’t said your first words yet and I can’t wait till you do. I can’t wait to talk to you for hours (though that’s many years into the future) about your favourite subject in school, your friendships and relationships and the movie you can’t wait to see or the books you are reading and well, just everything. 

You definitely have moments of upset and that is normal and ongoing.

I hate hearing you cry when there isn’t anything I can do to help you feel better. At the moment, you are teething and we give you medicine and icy teething rings along with the occasional Orajel application when the pain is just too bad. I wish so much that you could avoid pain, but this is part of growing so it will continue in one form or another.

Mommy never wants to lie to to you, so I am being honest when I say, this pain will end but another pain will take it’s place. More on that, when you are old enough to understand it.

You are walking.. a few steps and then falling and quite literally this is known as “baby steps” and absolutely expected.

Before you know it, you will be running, maybe with Mommy? 

I love you my sweet baby girl and you make Mommy very happy!

Happy Birthday!

Love,

Mom

*edited t

Dear Readers,

I am no expert, but I can tell you that relationships, romantic or otherwise take work to thrive.  I have recently discovered a few tips that I want to share with you.

By the way, this can be applied even if you aren’t having trouble, here goes. It might even be a good defense against difficulty in the relationship. Here goes!

1. REFRAIN– Stop yourself from saying the thing that would be the perfect zinger (because you are hurting or angry) while it may feel good in the moment, regret will often follow and you can’t unsay what has been said.
2. RESHAPE– The way you think about what they say and do. You find what you look for, so look for the good. Try to think the best of them and their intentions
3. RECAPTURE– Why did you create, build and nurture this relationship in the first place? Think about early interactions and why you like/love this person.
4. REACH – Do three nice things for the other person and watch to see how they receive your gesture. Their reaction will tell you a lot. Don’t point it out, you have to do it, and not ask for credit. (This is SO HARD, AND WORTH IT!)
5. REINVEST– Make plans for a date night, weekend away, whatever will help you prioritize that relationship                                                                                                                             Final thought– Don’t be too busy to take care of your relationships.

Think About It….

Dear Readers,

Today I come to you to talk about my white privilege.

First, I have it, and if you are white, you do as well.

This weekend I had the honor of attending my friend’s wedding.

I was one of seven people there who were white.  Yep, I counted.

My first thought was, “Are we the only white people here?”

My second thought was, “I am very uncomfortable. Will I be able to relate to anyone here?”

I am not proud of it, but that is what I thought, which is utterly ridiculous because while I don’t use the term color-blind I don’t think about my black friend first and I would never use it to describe a friend, because it’s so limiting. My friend, their title or who is also a coach for Beach Body or who I work with, or my friend who just became debt-free (YAY) are usually my descriptors.

My third thought was, “I am honored to be included in such an important event” and it’s true, I love her and I am so happy for her that she has found love and is getting married, I have watched her grow and mature and seeing her do really wonderful things including get out of debt and find financial peace so it was an honor to watch her take this next step and witness her marriage!

In general, people have differences that make them unique and special individuals.

(Whoa, I almost said snowflakes there)

but more unites us than divides us and I found that in talking to the other people at the wedding, I had several things in common (wedding anniversary) (proposal stories) (mistake on someone’s name) (getting lost) (finances) with several different people who do not have my same color of skin. I hate that I was surprised by that, but I was.

We had a very good time and after the initial (self-imposed) awkwardness

I came away thinking, this has taught me about myself. This has taught me that even as an self proclaimed activist, I still have white privilege. The question is what do I do with it? What will you do with it?

I am committed to using my white privilege to do good, to stamp out racism when I see it, hear it or encounter it. I have NO idea what that looks like, because I am designing this as I go and it’s not anyone else’s job to tell me what to do, I need to figure it out.

As for you….

Think about it.

Dear Readers,

Today, I want to tell you about something I feel guilty about. I feel guilty about not working out as much as I said I would last month. It’s a promise to myself and I broke it.

I could spend a lot of time telling you why I haven’t worked out 3 times a week for this month or I could own it and say, I didn’t work out 3 times a week this month. Okay there, I said it. I feel so much better, AND what is the next step?

Giving myself grace to say, it’s been busy at work and at home. Vivienne is teething and our 11 month old little girl has changed from sweet and smiling to surly and pissed off, much like an old man sending back soup in a deli. We are hanging in there but truth be told it’s been a hard month of parenting. I will go on to say, if you see either of us and we look tired or seem cranky this would be why.

That is one reason for me not working out three times a week, like I said I would, so I give myself the grace to go ahead and sleep in last week, 4 days in a row, and didn’t work out.

The truth is, I wasn’t working out AT ALL a few months ago. It took a really good friend to give me a kick in the pants. She and I both said, we would motivate each other and that worked for a while, we texted back and forth some silly pictures and messages to spur each other on. Then I got tired, and wanted to sleep. (Remember my sixth love language is sleeping in? )

Then I tried to motivate myself with Pepsi ( I LOVE PEPSI ) and pop tarts, which may seem counter-intuitive to long-term health but as my wise friend, Dr. Howard points out, “Different things motivate different people” and as I am always saying, “progress not perfection” so working out is a process and doing it three times a week will involve a series of baby steps, one of which is packing my bag with all the things I need and getting a good nights sleep, for me that means at least 6 hours of sleep, and be sure to spend time with my husband and daughter and then fit some time in for me to fill up (read a book, watch a little tv) or do some self-care and prepare for the next day’s work.

So this morning, I was all set to go to the gym and I had my bag ready and I looked at the clock and I said, nope, I just want to sleep. So I did. I gave myself grace, and I banished guilt. In that moment, I actually did not feel guilty, I promised myself I would work out tomorrow and Thursday and Friday so there are the three days.

My mom is fond of saying, “Screw Guilt” (cleaned up but you can imagine what other word she uses) to say how useless it is. It has taken me a VERY long time to give up on guilt, and I still work on it daily. She is right, it’s a pretty useless emotion.  The second that you say, “I feel guilty about xxxx, you stop any action. you don’t move things to the next step. So, much like my post about AND not BUT, the next time you are going to say, “I feel guilty about…. XXX” I would encourage you to say instead, “I feel guilty and I grant myself grace for this and I am going to do Step, 1, 2, and 3”

So, much like my post about AND not BUT, the next time you are going to say, “I feel guilty about…. XXX” I would encourage you to say instead, “I feel guilty and I grant myself grace for this and I am going to do Step, 1, 2, and 3”

I am going to challenge you to banish guilt and give yourself grace. You will feel better, trust me!

Think About It and Then DO IT!

x

Dear Readers,

Today, I am dedicating my blog to allow people to know more about how to help Houston.

1. We are safe and dry in Austin, Texas. Some of the areas around Austin got heavy rain and wind damage but nothing like our neighbors in Houston. Thank you to all of those who reached out and were concerned for our safety.
2. In a time like this, everyone wants to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to help in the face of such hard times. They want to send money and to send help, and volunteer time and energy and what you can do.
3. It can be hard to know where to start and you can feel overwhelmed before you begin.

Mayor Adler posted this and it has a lot of concrete steps you can take and places you can give where it’s needed the most. I think it’s comprehensive and helpful, so check it out.

http://www.mayoradler.com/hurricane-harvey-how-you-can-help/

I will add please be wary of scams, I hate that people would try to scam you in a time of real genuine need, but they are out there and they prey on people who are hurting and who are eager to help so be careful.

Also, check with your church and workplace and community (neighbors) to plug into existing established systems to better know where you can help.

If you can’t help right now, rest up and be ready to help in a few weeks, help will still be needed for clean up and help.

#houstonstrong #godblesstexas

Think About It.

Dear Readers,

Any time I have a project that is daunting, I ask myself, how does one eat an elephant?

One bite at a time, that is how you tackle something. This is not without precedent. When we were getting out of debt, I had wallpaper on my screen that said exactly that. It was a good reminder that we were taking things one step at a time.

So my post today is very simple.

You want to tackle racism and try to help people who are hurting but don’t know where to start and feel like you can’t ask anyone because it might cause a difficult conversation?

Do this.. Smile and wear your safety pin. It may seem small and largely cosmetic, but it’s a start. Notice I said, Start. It’s a big deal to start something new. The smiling part is hard when we feel sad and scared, AND sometimes your smile can light up another person. You may never know it, but you may be the reason someone has a better day. This goes along with my post a few weeks ago about ACTUALLY connecting with another human being in the elevator, before that meeting, at the gym… wherever you are, there are other humans. Do all you can to (as my good friends the Averys say,

“Pump Kindness into the world!”

Don’t beat yourself up about all the things you aren’t doing. START. Do Something.

For those that don’t know, for a time after the election people were wearing safety pins and I was one of them. I wore it proudly to say “You are safe with me” to people who felt scared but I realized that wearing the pin is not enough. My words need action. To that end I am educating myself, I am asking difficult questions and inviting almost guaranteed awkward conversations. Can you do the same? Is that something you willing to do to help heal our world?

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/why-people-are-wearing-safety-pins-trumps-win-946516

In case you want to see more about this ^^^^^^ (article above)

So, starting today, I wear my safety pin as a very small step of support for those who need it.  I don’t want or need credit for this, I am blogging about it in hopes that I can inspire you to do something to support those who need support.

Pray for people to be kinder to each other.

Get involved with your church or your school to support their efforts to stand against racism.

Plug into your friends who are activists, you are sure to have at least one, and if not, reach out to me, I am becoming one and will be happy to have you join me.

Don’t let yourself be stopped by the immensity of the problem, do something!

Think About It. 

Dear Readers,

I am saddened and dismayed at the events that unfolded on Saturday in Charlottesville.

I am not surprised because since Trump has taken office, there has been one atrocity after another. It’s so easy for me to type that and dismiss it like it’s this annoying fly that won’t go away because of my white privilege. Let’s go ahead and deal with the elephant in the room. This white woman is writing about racism even though she has never experienced it herself.

I can’t say I understand what my friends who are not white are going through because I don’t know. I only know they are in pain, so anyone reading this who is in pain, please hear me. “I am with you, you are not alone and I see you”

No, I don’t know your pain, how could I possibly? I am not you.

Saying that isn’t enough, not nearly enough, there needs to be action behind the words, so that we can all love each other a little bit more and pump more kindness into the world.

So, that’s a tall order and I know you must be thinking, but Jennifer, I am one person what can I do? A lot actually. You can stop looking at your phone and look up at people when you are in the elevator, you can talk to your neighbor, yeah I am aware it’s 2017 and “this just isn’t done” Do it anyway. If you know your neighbors, you are already on your way to strengthening your community, then once you meet your neighbors, hold a block party and get to know your neighborhood and so on…

Do you have a church you love? Find out what your church is doing to help people of different races feel safe and protected. If they aren’t doing something, ask them why and volunteer to start it yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to speak up, use YOUR voice, and say, I want to help.

There is no need to reinvent the wheel, if you look around in your city, county and district, you can likely plug into something someone else is doing.

Standing against it, is just one step. When you see it happening, you have to say something. You have to stand and be counted on the right side of history.

When it comes to teaching our little girl about people who are different than she is, I plan to tell her, love all people and do your best to be a helper to all people.   That’s my opening salvo, I am open to other things to say, much more eloquent than that, so please if you have suggestions, lay them on me. In the meantime, I am not just writing or talking, I am doing something.

The revolution is what’s next. I am ready to act. Are you?

The truth is, the tagline of my blog is “No one has a voice like you” and it’s true, no one does. No one tells your stories exactly the same way you do, and has your life experiences that add to the color and flavor of your story.

Own that story (as Brene Brown tells us) and keep listening to other people tell theirs and don’t try to cut them off with sympathy because you FEEL uncomfortable. Be there, be uncomfortable.

Don’t wait for this atrocity to happen in your city.

ACT. ACT NOW.

Dear Readers,

Thank you all for the heartfelt wishes, prayers and good vibes you sent our way as we waited for our daughter’s test results from the endocrinologist.

For those who missed my update, all is normal, no chemical abnormalities exist so I guess I can stop worrying. HA! As if that is even possible. I am a parent, I believe it goes with the territory to worry about your child. But seriously, I am glad that there was such a strong reaction to my last post because as I read your comments, questions and viewpoints it helped me crystallize what I want to say even more.

I don’t think people mean to be mean about anything really, they just don’t THINK before they tweet, instagram, post on facebook or comment.

T    H      I    N     K                                      T    H      I    N     K                        T    H      I    N     K

Is it True? Perception is truth  – I think Gandhi said that – so this could get a little wooly, but I think it’s a worthwhile to ask yourself, is what I am about to say, True? or do I think it’s true but maybe it’s not ?

Is it Helpful? – Be careful with this one, sometimes “Help” masquerades as helpful but what it is really is bossy or controlling.

Is it Inspiring? Ouch. How often is what we say, not inspiring? Our words have so much power, we can lift or we push down, let’s be sure we are doing our best to lift others not bring them down.

Is it Necessary? To add to this, is it necessary that you say it or is it maybe what someone else should say if you will give some space for them to do it, instead of jumping in (I am very guilty of this one)  And I am working on it. I freely admit that I love to talk, and sometimes I will say something that isn’t necessary to fill silence. Silence can be good. Magical things happen in silence.

Lastly and I think most importantly-

Is it Kind? I don’t have to tell you gentle reader, we can all use just as much kindness as we can get our hands on in our current climate. For a long time, I have concerned myself with being nice, but a few months ago, a friend pointed out that nice is not what she aspired to be, but kind. I like that and continue to strive for that label.

I have posted recently about some fights my partner and I have been having. It’s normal, and we are working our way through it. I was trying to pinpoint a cause or an inciting incident of the frequency of our fights and I think that it all stems a sincere lack of kindness with each other.  Not mean, exactly, but not kind. I came to this conclusion recently so hopefully it is the answer, but what I am finding is that there is not just one answer but many and like life, you can’t look at the back of the book for the answers, you must figure it out as you go. Trying some things and watching them fail, and then trying again, hopefully this time figuring out where you went wrong and doing it better that tenth or eleventh time.

In the meantime, dear reader, I invite you to…

Think about it… and while you think about it, it’s not a bad idea to jump in on the 31 Days of Kindness my buddy Ryan Avery is doing and DO something yourself!   #31DaysofKindness (check it out)

Tomorrow is Day 9-

DAY 9 – Give/send someone a small, anonymous gift
Of course receiving gifts on birthdays and holidays are fun but even better is a random gift for no reason! You could look up someone’s ‘wishlist’ on Amazon and send them something. You could leave a coffee gift card on your coworkers desk. You could also buy a small something, leave it in a park with a note saying “For you!”

I think that is a pretty kind gesture so even if you just do tomorrow’s task, that would be better than nothing, right?

Think About it….