Dear Readers,

It still blows my mind that this beautiful miracle came from my body. I know that is how it works.. but it still moves me and I am awed and inspired by this incredible miracle and responsibility that has been bestowed upon me and my husband.

Well, I have been a mother for exactly 10 days and already there are plenty of people, websites and books that suggest I am doing it “wrong”..So what do I say to that?

So far, nothing out loud.. sometimes I smile and politely say nothing. In the case of the websites I close the window and say.. well, that was crap, I have definitely noticed that there is a direct correlation between a belief that something is wrong, or not the “right way” and there are JUST as many sources to tell you why it’s right and vice versa.

I would let that get me down except I have a stronger voice inside of me saying, “I reject your shame and I am her mother so I am choosing to pick her up when I think she needs to be picked up and feeding her when I see fit. Am I sure that’s right? Of course not, but I need to choose and be responsible for my own choices as her mom.

In a way, it’s kind of a throwback to the days when I was directing my first show and realizing how many people had opinions (shocking) about what the scene needed, or who should play what role or where that prop needed to go. But at the end of the day, It was MY vision that mattered.  Unquestionably, the stakes are much higher on this. I am truly blessed that I have a wonderful partner helping me and loving our daughter and doing all we can do to be GREAT parents. There is no doubt that we will do this very well together.

I think the pull to be “perfect” is what curses most people because if you are anything like me (and I am finding in my conversations with others most of you are) that we all want to be that perfect mom who feeds their child organic food (or only breast feeding) no formula.. or not having a c section cause it’s not the “natural way” to bring a child into the world.. or opting to have the epidural.. or dresses their baby in the perfect outfit to be featured on Instagram and uses cloth diapers.. etc.. or whatever your vision is of “perfect” might be.. but truthfully, the only thing you can do is what you can do.. and that is go with your newly installed “mother instinct” and trust that you are doing what’s right for your child RIGHT now. While on the subject, don’t compare yourself to anyone either.. what is right for you for your child is going to vary greatly from mother to mother. I am learning that.. one minute at a time.

Important to note, as new parents, we KNOW that we will make mistakes but aiming at the good and the careful feeding and nurturing of our child being our goal, I don’t think we can go wrong, and of course, continuing to listen to OUR inner voice that tells us what to do.

Think twice before giving some advice to a new mom or dad and offer to hold the baby or let them take a nap or a shower or offer to make them some food.. think about what you can do to help,  and be sure to say.. “you are doing a great job” because I promise you, they are questioning every thing they are doing and just need your love and support in these early days.

Think about it….

Introducing, Vivienne Dawn Haston! She arrived at 7:54 a.m.
on 9/27/2016. She was a planned c-section as soon as we realized she was approximately 11 pounds in the sonogram and in consultation with our doctor, it was determined this was the safest course of treatment. It turns out she was born 11 pounds 8 ounces and 21 1/2 inches!

She is beautiful and I can’t believe how much I love her already, the smell of her and the look of her – the little lips, the teeny tiny hands and feet and the sounds she makes. My husband and I are so grateful to have her. (I need to take a minute right here and now.. and Thank GOD for him!!!! ) It’s not until now that I realized having a partner like him really makes me feel far more sure-footed as we take these faltering steps into our new roles as parents. We are navigating the new waters and tag-teaming the care for our daughter. Our daughter, so weird and wonderful to say.

As I am typing this, she is laying on my chest, and I breathe her in and smell her, she makes a slight noise that can only be interpreted as contentment and I smile- happy with my lot in life. I know there are sleepless nights, teething, and struggles in our future but for now, I am learning and living “truly in the moment”

I am excited and exhausted, and there is lots more to say, but for now, I am overjoyed and excited our daughter has arrived!

Stay tuned for more!

Dear Readers,

Well, she is ALMOST here.. 39 weeks and 6 days…in the making!!!  WOW! We get to meet our daughter soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo soon.. but definitely not soon enough for this mama! I feel like a kid on Christmas morning.. I can’t wait to open this “present”! I want to capture all the feelings before I am so tired I barely know my own name… or am in pain or any of the things I am told are coming my way.

In part, I did that by giving this speech on Tuesday night- I wanted to talk about the evolution of going from “never ever ever ever ever do I want to be a parent” to where I am now, 39 weeks pregnant and DYING to meet my child!!  (here is that speech)

I feel a little like I JUST told all of you I was pregnant, and now it’s hard to move without thinking about how pregnant I really am, there is no denying, every time I get up, it’s like “oh hey that was not super comfortable”.. as I promised when I started this blog.. *4 years ago, to be honest) I am trying to be real with you.. I woke up 5 times, and had a VERY hard time getting up out of bed.

Today has been the hardest day thus far but honestly, if this is as bad as it gets the final week, I think I can handle it and be grateful for the other many days that have come before that were not like this. The itching of my entire body has been the MOST difficult symptom.. and when you consider all the other things that can be at play with pregnancy and complications, I feel very blessed. Thank you God! I also recommend that if you have any back problems, make sure you see your chiropractor because I definitely credit him with keeping me aligned and OUT of pain during the last 39 weeks!

If you are pregnant, you may want to take this piece of advice.. Control the flow of information and don’t be afraid to say, You know I think I want to find out on my own.. I didn’t let anyone tell me horror stories of their labor or delivery, .. they would start and I would hold up my hand and say, “Let’s compare notes when I have something to share”.. Say November? They would smile usually and change the topic .. all about the boundaries people.. Speaking of those boundaries.. here are some of the more common questions I get and for your amusement I will answer them.. (some of these may or may not be things I have thought but not actually said out loud.. I will let you be the judge!

“Are you ready”?

.. gosh that is a good one.. I don’t think you ever really get ready for something as big as this.. Yes we have a nursery, diapers, clothes.. and some baby thing…but don’t really feel ready…. some of my favourite speakers and writers talk about doing things BEFORE you are ready and that was true of my first paid speaking engagement so I guess it will be true of this as well.

“Are you tired of being pregnant?”

Well, yes and no. I waited so long to be pregnant that I am doing my best to “live in the moment” and enjoy every bit of everything that is happening. I am not saying “GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME”.. but it helps that I know an end date is not far away. Am I ready to meet my daughter? YOU BET! ^^^^ SEE ABOVE!

“Are you just miserable?” 

No. Overall I am (as my mom put it) “the happiest pregnant lady ever” — I am happy but it changes.. I won’t lie.. It can be uncomfortable at times, but it’s like anything else. You get used to the condition you are in and adapt.. or you are miserable and will complain to anyone who will listen — (anywhere in the middle is where one might fall) from what I am hearing from other ladies I know in this state.

“How do you feel?”

This one is hard because I know people are coming from a well-meaning place but this one seems to rankle me the most..No one seems satisfied with any answer I give. My mom’s favourite is, “with every nerve ending”…  If am not tired, they say oh really, that is odd, “My sister, aunt, cousin… etc didn’t experience that”.. anyway..

In truth, the way I feel varies from minute to minute — kind of the way I felt BEFORE I was pregnant.. 🙂 So I have some photos from the pregnancy, so highlights if you will as I take some time to reflect on the last 9 months, the thing I have been so grateful for is the love I feel and have been shown which has helped me to truly “live in the moment” and allow for things to “happen to me”.

So many people have said to Jeremy and I, you are going to be great parents and have been NOTHING but encouraging about the process for us, which helps us to feel as ready as we are going to, though wisdom does suggest “we have no idea what is on the way”… That is okay, we have each other, we love this baby and we don’t even know what she looks like yet, and we will as we always say to each other “Figure it out”.. we ALWAYS do.

Think about it…..!

Dear Readers,

I know, that seems an odd headline for a woman who has been sharing her fertility with you lo these many months now– but I read this the other day and I can’t shake the notion that everyone needs to read it. I wish to God, I had written it, but i did not.. here is the article.. https://nadirahangail.com/2016/05/25/mind-your-own-womb/

Here is the excerpt that really got me..

“Another woman: 40, one child. People say to her, “Only one? You never wanted any more?”

“I’m happy with my one,” she says calmly, a rehearsed response she’s given more times than she can count. Quite believable. No one would ever suspect that alone, she cries…

Cries because her one pregnancy was a miracle. Cries because her son still asks for a brother or sister. Cries because she always wanted at least three. Cries because her second pregnancy had to be terminated to save her life. Cries because her doctor says it would be “high-risk.” Cries because she’s struggling to care for the one she has. Cries because sometimes one feels like two. Cries because her husband won’t even entertain the thought of another. Cries because her husband died and she hasn’t found love again. Cries because her family thinks one is enough. Cries because she’s deep into her career and can’t step away. Cries because she feels selfish. Cries because she still hasn’t lost the weight from her from her first pregnancy. Cries because her postpartum depression was so intense. Cries because she can’t imagine going through that again. Cries because she has body issues and pregnancy only exacerbates it. Cries because she still battles bulimia. Cries because she had to have a hysterectomy. Cries because she wants another baby, but can’t have it.

These women are everywhere. They are our neighbors, our friends, our sisters, our co-workers, our cousins. They have no use for our advice or opinions. Their wombs are their own. Let’s respect that.”

I can’t tell you how many times that I heard the question, “when are you and Jeremy going to have kids?” after we were married and deflecting it with a smile and a ‘not sure’, or a shrug.. but really it came down to.. we weren’t ready to start trying yet.

I am older so it’s a factor to be considered.. in fact when we were engaged, smart man that he is, we even discussed that we might have to adopt and that was on the table too. My age turned out to be a bigger factor than I thought when I miscarried last year in March. I wish I could say that because I am days away from delivering our little girl that the pain of losing that first child isn’t still with me.. but I can’t. I am sad every time I think of what might have been and mourn the loss of that child. It’s extremely painful that it happened but in going through it, I have knowledge that I wish I didn’t.. and as a result I would never ask a question that made someone else feel pressured to reveal their own status (whatever it may be)

I am overjoyed that we have a child coming and fully aware that there are many women who would love to be in my shoes so I try to be sensitive to that before asking someone a careless question like, “no kids yet? or “only one?” “wow, five? how do you manage that?”

That is all to say that really at the end of the day, it’s no one’s business UNLESS We (the women in question) make it your business. As women, we worry far too much about being rude or hurting someone’s feelings at the expense of our own.. so much so, that I HESITATED to share this post…

If I CHOOSE to share with you that I am having a child (which by the way has tons of forms too) adopting, fostering, step-mothering, the list goes on) that is my business I choose to share.. It’s not your place to ask no matter how much you might think it will help. Trust me, if a woman wants to share, she will share and that is your opportunity to listen and offer hugs or a shoulder.

THINK ABOUT IT!

Dear Readers,

Today, I started thinking about what I was going to post about and I was originally going to call this post “Choices” but that seemed really nebulous given the specificity I was going to talk about.

So I set myself 4 major goals for this month (and last month) and the month before.

1. Walk steps or exercise at least three times a week.
2. Work on my French every day (tous les jours)
3. Do less drive thru and generally avoid the junk food.
4. Give myself grace for the fact that being pregnant means it takes me longer to do things.

So in three months I have gained ground on these goals but by no means am I doing them all every day…. and it reminds me that “progress not perfection” is the goal.

What does that look like, you ask? Well, this morning, I got up and got coffee but instead of getting a donut I had a banana. (less junk)

When I had my break, instead of doing Facebook, I did my French homework.

When asked to do something I would normally be able to do “no sweat” pre-pregnancy, I said no this time because it’s a little hard for me to move around easily right now.

This morning when I came in to work, I said hello to my team and then walked  down and then up 5 flights of stairs. Yep, I am bragging but it’s also important to note that each one of these things I did, I THOUGHT about it, before I did it. It required intentional thought.

This all boils down to choices. I got here early enough to be able to do those things. If I had been late, I would have been rushing to “get here” and not had the “time” to THINK about my choices before I made them.

My mom told me a few months back when I was struggling to not eat Taco Bell all the time to look at WHY I wanted it.. was it satisfying? was it tasty? or was it just THERE. In looking at it, I had to admit it was mostly there and convenient.

By no means do I have this wired, but days like this when I feel like a genuine amazeballs person (because I accomplished some goals) help me understand why those things are important to me.

How about you? What “perfection” do you need to let go of and maybe focus on the “progress” — One more thing.. before I go.. if you only make a little progress.. that is STILL further than you were before.. don’t bemoan the result, keep moving forward!

THINK ABOUT IT!

Dear Readers,

Today is the end of the 31 days of kindness but not really.

There was one task set for each day to remind us to be kind. I think we are in general pretty kind people but some of my favourite exercises were the simplest.

“Be kind to yourself”

“Write a thank you note”

“Tip 100%”

No, you can’t do it all the time, but you can “smile at strangers” or “say hi to someone you don’t know” or “pay for someone behind you in the drive thru” ..

In this upcoming season of motherhood, I am patently aware my entire life is about to change (every single person who sees my expanding belly tells me this) and that is scaring the you know what out of me. I have a lot of help, thank God, my community of friends and family of choice is standing by to help and the offers are continuing to be stated for babysitting “if you want me to watch her so you can shower” I will do it. I find my temper shorter these days (with sincere apologies to jeremy, since he is taking the brunt of it) and the normality of it doesn’t change that I regret it. Yes, it’s normal to be irritable but that doesn’t mean it’s okay or acceptable for me to not be “kind” to my spouse or anyone else who is in my path.

So long story short, I am going to do my best to be kind, even when I don’t feel like it (which is pretty often these days)  I am going to do my level best to embrace the fact that I am pregnant and we will have a little bundle of joy very soon. For now, I am going to embrace any last minute date nights we can squeeze in before we are no longer two but in fact, three.

Time is pretty fleeting and we only get the one life.. so I am doing my best to live in the present moment and really take in all that is around me.

What about you?

Think About It….

Dear Readers, Today, I had a chance to be someone’s sunshine and I did not take it. I was the rain. I regret it but it was too late to take it back. I tried to ameliorate things but it was too late. My goal is to always fan the flames of someone’s passion, not be the rain shower that says.. “you can’t”.. there are way too many people who delight in that.. so I try HARD to not be one of them, but I stumble and wanting to be honest, I am telling you about it.

I could tell that the light of enthusiasm was dimmed because I decided that “the rules” were more important than the “game”.. I regret this because you truly never get the chance to make a second impression so now this person likely feels slighted or conversely, I am far more obsessed what did or did not go on in this particular interaction.

Last night, I watched my husband win first place in Toastmasters Tall Tales contest and I am so proud of him, and yes I am bragging on him, because I love him but what I love more about him is not that he won, but that he was happier about the reaction his speech caused (moving people) than winning. I strive to be like him in that sense because I struggle with my constant need for recognition. It’s not enough that I did this super great thing. oh, no, I need to get applause and acknowledgment…. Human, yes.. but a flaw nonetheless.. Think about how much more power we have if we simply do amazing things for the pure joy and don’t care about the accolades?  I am reminded of a story of two men in a hospital bed, one near the window who described beautiful scenes of a park with trees and birds and a wonderful panorama of the busy activity outside. The second man delighted in all these descriptions and was heartened by them and looked forward to it every day. Then one day the man in the bed next to the window died and when he did the other man was moved to the bed near the window and as he slowly, painfully raised himself up to see the wonderful sights depicted, he found that the window faced a blank wall. The nurse told him, the man who died was blind. That really makes you think doesn’t it. The first man gave life to strong imagination and likely prolonged his own life as well as his neighbor’s with his vivid imagery.

So will you be the one to paint a pretty picture for someone or will you say, “oh, yeah, there a wall out there.. nothing to see here”

Think About It-

Dear Readers,

I was talking to a good friend over lunch today and she gave me the most unexpected compliment. “Thanks, you made me feel so much better!”

It made me feel good, valued and most importantly appreciated.. so it made me think about the fact that we are able to spread joy and light or sadness and darkness and it’s a constant choice. Daily, Hourly, and Minute to minute.. you get to choose what wolf you will feed.. the white wolf or the dark wolf (referenced in this parable)

If you want to know more about that- Here is the story-

Two Wolves – A Cherokee Parable

I got to thinking about that.. and thought not only the one you feed.. (which you choose daily).. but also you surround yourself with people who are feeding the good wolf and you are sure to win at life. We have all experienced that before.. right? You are hanging out happy and hustling and then all of a sudden someone shows up who isn’t having a good day (definitely happens.. and you can’t be happy all the time, life can deal some pretty harsh blows) and not only refused to be cheered up but actively try to bring you down.

Do your best to focus on all the things YOU have to be grateful for and if you can’t change their mind or help them smile.. move on with your day!

You never know what seeds you are planting with your words, so plant/speak carefully.. You don’t always get to see what comes of it, but you might be REALLY surprised by how much you matter. So trust me when I say, YOU DO!

Think about it!

Dear Readers,

I have had a few conversations recently with people about life/work balance and the need to NOT plan everything. Then last night, one of my favourite Toastmasters gave a speech about “keeping your edge and losing the stress”.. a very interesting topic to be sure.

I gave a speech on the topic of “not planning” not too long ago.

To be completely honest, I am still struggling with this as we head into impending parenthood. I fully realize that having a baby means we can plan all we like, but likely the plan is not going to hold.. things are going to go by the wayside or get forgotten but I think as long as I stay true to myself and be who I truly am.. which is an encouraging, positive, realistic person who is always trying to learn… things will be okay.. in fact, not just okay, but pretty  great.

Yes, I have questions about what this next chapter of our lives will yield, but I can’t answer them. No one can. I came face to face with this reality sitting in the prenatal class where medical professionals who have spent YEARS studying the female anatomy and the process of childbirth and they can’t answer any questions which is maddening to me because I have been “question girl” for ALL my life and I revel in it. I have to report that it has stood me in good stead in my career, in my life, and in my relationships. Allow me to state for the record, saying you don’t know is NOT the worst thing you can say.. Sometimes you really don’t, but someone else does.. *usually* and they are equipped to share that knowledge, all that one needs to do is ask… REALLY.

However, I am finding.. the more questions I ask regarding the blessed event to come on September 28, 2016, the less people who I feel “should” know the answers.. just really don’t. They say it with a whimsical smile and shrug of shoulders “we really don’t know” and it’s almost as if they do know but won’t tell me..(paranoia during pregnancy I hear is VERY commond)  but then again, I have to be realistic.. they likely do NOT know.. and don’t want to mislead me.. which I get.. it remains frustrating but understandable.

So when it comes right down to it, I guess I get to wait and see….

Think about it….

Dear Readers,

A picture is truly worth a thousand words.. right?

You know how you know something is true.. but you don’t really “know” it till you ‘KNOW’ it? Well, on Saturday I had that day.. I have been (along with my husband, my mom and some very thoughtful friends, you know who you are!!) collecting toys and clothes and all the other things MiniMac (I am JMac at work.. so my team named her MiniMac which I love)  will be needing and it was only when I got home and started putting things away into her closet and turning off the light and shutting the door to HER room that I bumped into reality..

I AM HAVING A BABY!

Not just an idea of a baby or a dream of a baby or a hope of a baby.. but a real, live, flesh and blood, crying, needs to eat and sleep and cry, talking (eventually) baby! It boggles the mind that Jeremy and I have made a person and she is developing inside my stomach (moving at this precise second, actually, hi little girl!)

It seems ridiculous to type this out and make this realization after 32 weeks of doctor’s appointments, sonograms and other clues.. (you know weight gain despite exercise) the swollen ankles and the cravings..having some trouble sleeping..  to name but a few.. but it’s where I am.

I am excited and terrified (in equal measure) for this next chapter of my life.. as a woman, as a mother, (new title) — and how I will juggle work and motherhood and maintain my sense of self.. It’s a whole new world come September 28, 2016 and I am really excited to meet our daughter, so weird still to type that and think that, I am about to be someone’s MOM!

I can hear her now.. years from now – when she reads this.. going.. wow.. you were really excited to meet me.. Yes, little one we are! We are so excited to be your parents!

So I turn my eyes to you, dear reader! What exciting chapter has just started or is starting in your life? Is your child about to turn 3 years old, are you about to start trying to have a baby? Are you buying a house? Whatever it is, embrace the experience because it’s the life you live and every second it is moving faster and faster.. ENJOY IT!

Think About It…..