Haston Helping Hands

Dear Readers,

I have alluded to my horrid family of origin a few times but never really given a lot of detail. I don’t feel the need to dwell on the past because honestly, who would it help?

There is something to be said for telling it like it is, and working through your stuff with a professional and I have definitely spent time doing that.

However, a fellow Toastmaster gave me a note recently about a speech I gave that made me reconsider. “I love hearing about how you overcame your childhood and more of your personal story”– Since my goal is to always speak/write from the heart. I feel compelled to share a little more than I normally do. So here goes.. (deep breath)

When your mother sends you to live with her secretary at the age of 17 (citing the betterment of her 4th marriage as the reason you are being kicked out of the house) and leaves you to fend for yourself, you think twice about having kids and whether you yourself are fit to be a parent.

When your father tells you that he chooses his younger child over you over and over again with his actions, and isn’t present at your high school graduation and chooses to not be part of you life, voluntarily it makes it easy to see why I might be scared even a little bit of that is in me.

When one of your uncles promises to put you through your first year of college on the condition that you NOT have a job (because he will pay expenses and school costs) and then disappears 6 months into that agreement, you kind of start to doubt people will be there for you.

I must mention the good with the bad however, My Aunt Nancy, who has several children of her own, NEVER missed a birthday  or a Christmas, and for our wedding, she not only came in to help us plan, she was here and Cousin Eileen took our pictures as the wedding gift. My Aunt Peggy has supported my acting/directing career by always sending a thoughtful gift that pertains to whatever show I am currently in/doing. She always takes care to send presents and cards and doesn’t miss special occasions.

Onto the family of choice- I am grateful every day that I met Joan Ellen Young who is my mother of choice, it took a while for me to grasp, she will ALWAYS be there for me, whether it’s holding my feet to the fire on something I don’t want to face, or listening to me cry or vent and then offering advice (I pretty much know what she is going to say now) — but still want to hear her say it.. ALWAYS. Alan, who has been my best friend since 1997, and is always full of wise and sage advice as well as many “no taboo” moments of truth (this would involve saying something you may not want to hear) but have previously been given permission to say or ask anyway. I have a multitude of friends who are more like sisters and brothers (you know who you are) and they all help to form my family of choice. I would be remiss if I did not mention my husband. I really changed my mind about having kids when we got married..He is a wonderfully caring man and I have NO DOUBT whatsoever he will be an amazing Dad. It was in seeing that unconditional love and support from my spouse and partner (real partner, not just a label)  that made a “never, ever” to “maybe” and then “someday” then to a “yes”.

I am so excited for our daughter to have him as her dad.  Watching him paint her room and put up her clothes and toys and watching his unabashed glee as he talks about her future and what lessons she might take and I get so caught up the in excitement and it washes so many of my fears away. 

It was a slow evolution to be sure.. to go from “I AM NEVER HAVING KIDS”…. to “I want to be a mom”  took many, many, years and conversations and experiences with other people’s kids to show me that I could possibly do this mom thing. The miscarriage we had last year was awful but a silver lining to me (if there can ever be one from something like that) was the realization that made it all the more clear how much I wanted to be a mother.

My sweet friend, Rachel has a lovely daughter, Quinn Meissner, who will always hold a special place in my heart because while she is special to me for so many reasons the biggest one is this. It was in babysitting her and getting to know her her that I got to see what it might be like to be a mom. I got to see the good (those smiles she gives when she is really happy which doesn’t take much) and the bad (the crying that wouldn’t stop)  and the ugly (the first time I had to send her to bed without a story because she was having a tantrum).. so I feel like it was realistic not idealistic but I guess time will tell on that one.

Impending motherhood, the thoughts range from stark fear that I will drop the kid, damage the kid and kill the kid to well, there are lots of irrational fears that we can entertain or we can focus on the span of control we do have which is our own mindset.

I am doing several things to prepare for being a mom, (eating better mostly, exercising to be in good shape, avoiding foods and drinks that are possibly harmful to the little one) and of course, working so hard on getting our money cleaned up (debt free and saving for retirement) but at the end of the day, I have no idea what to expect, how I will feel, if I will love it or if I will hate it.. or a strange combination of both. So many people have been so supportive about my abilities as a mother that haven’t even been tested yet. They say, “you are going to be an amazing mom” .. which is so sweet and certainly I appreciate it, but I have my own doubts.

I do my best to be “real” on this blog and with you, my readers… I am equal parts excited and terrified. I can’t wait to hold our little girl and am terrified about all the ways we can screw her up or not be good parents.

Granted with the family of origin, the bar has been set pretty low, but I don’t want my parenting to be on par with anything that would be part of a conversation about that past or that “lack of care” — I guess what I am trying to say is I want to be perfect at something I have never done. YEAH, good luck with that. I do know that I have a fabulous village (also known as family of choice) waiting to help to support us and I need only ask to have help given. It is so hard to admit that you need help.. even when you are new at something. Seems silly, I would tell anyone asking that if you don’t know something, ask.. perhaps I will take my own advice. So in answer to this question. “mom. who me?” I say “yes, that is me.”

As my mom likes to say,

Think about it…

 

Bonjour! Allo! Dear Readers!

En Francais: Petit à petit, l’oiseau fait son nid.

In English: Little by little, the bird makes his nest…

This is a translation of an idiom I am found of, “every little bit helps”

As with so many things in other languages, there are things lost in the translation to be sure… but in this particular case, this idiom is perfect for me and the stage I am in in my life. I am pregnant so we are literally nesting for our baby bird coming to The Haston Love Nest on September 28, 2016. I am ardently in love with my husband so I coined the term “Haston Love Nest” when we moved into our first place together in 2011. It has stuck.

But I digress, this post is about how you can have great intentions but unless you take steps, you will NEVER get to where you want to go.

Case in point, on this very blog, my first mention of the desire to speak fluent french was noted in April 2013. Here it is if you would like to read it-

https://jenniferhastonsays.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/the-words-you-use-matter/

The next mention was on my facebook because I joined a meet up group but made exactly three meet ups..(they are on Sundays and try as I might, things kept getting in the way)

I tried to figure out a way to work on French at work but met a roadblock, we don’t offer it anymore.. so I kept looking but my heart wasn’t fully in it. I have colleagues at work who speak French and I would occasionally send emails in half French/ half English.. but nothing consistent.

Every single time I would go to a meet-up I was SERIOUSLY intimidated and extremely frustrated because I was not perfect right now. Absurd, no?  I kept poking at it here and there and other things have taken greater precedence but on Friday a casual conversation (as a result of his flyer about a school that teaches your 4 year old French (I told you I like to plan!) with a work colleague led to the question, “do you speak french” and I said, “enough to get me in trouble” sort of laughing the question off…. I bemoaned the lack of meetups and was just making excuses all over the place  and he said, “why don’t we have lunch with you (he and his fluently speaking French wife) and you can speak French to her and she can correct you and you can get practice? WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!! I am so excited about this. I feel like I am FINALLY taking steps in the right direction.  However, I realize that beating myself up about what I have NOT done is not the path to success. Recognizing that “little by little the bird builds her nest” is a really important piece of this particular pastry….

What would you like to do but feel like it’s WAY out of reach? Maybe it’s closer than you think…

Think about it…..

 

Dear Readers, some of you know this and some of you do not.

I am 26 weeks pregnant as of today, which is exciting and terrifying all at once. It will be a completely different blog to tell you about how I am feeling about impending motherhood.. stay tuned for that one!

I am ready and I am not ready to be a mom. I guess that is why you get 40 weeks or so to prepare. As has been touched on previously, I like to plan, and I really like to KNOW what is coming.. but with a baby.. you don’t, I mean how could you.. so with this pregnancy, I have gone out of my way to keep the information flow very slow and measured. I have read exactly 5 chapters of “The Happiest Baby on the Block” and I consult a website to see what my baby “should” be up to each week.. size, lung capacity, heart and brain development and so on.. but trying super hard to not overload myself with information that I can’t do anything about.

As someone who enjoys planning and knowing what’s coming… it’s extremely difficult to not know…… so I have likened it to being a stage manager (which I have done many times) for a production that you can’t see or hear (which I haven’t done ) but you KNOW it’s going on… – the clues are in the tiredness (seriously, I thought I knew what tired was and then I got pregnant. I have craved exactly two things.. Peanut butter and milk and that was in the first few months, those cravings have disappeared.

For a long time in this pregnancy, I didn’t feel pregnant, (really right up until last Sunday when I felt her move in my belly for the first time) well that isn’t exactly true.. because how can you possibly know what it is to “feel pregnant” as opposed to “not feel pregnant”- As far as I can tell it varies from person to person.. For more on that, talk to the pregnant people you know, or the mom’s you know, for me I have been shocked at how disparate the experience is for women. Some have morning sickness, some don’t. Some have food cravings, some have food aversions, some have horrible acne, some have the clearest skin ever… the list goes on….

So as far as I can tell, the question, “what’s next?” is the most frequent one..I am getting asked- it doesn’t always sound like that.. what it sounds like is.. “are you having a boy or girl?” “what name have you picked out”? etc.. and on and on.. these questions are concentrated on medical stuff too.. like next month, I have to take a glucose test to see if my child has gestational diabetes.. I am hoping that she does not have it, but if she does, we will deal with it. It does me no good to WORRY about it, because worrying about it changes nothing. The next thing is what is her weight? what is her height? Is she growing in proportion like she is supposed to? All these questions before she even takes her first breath– How exhausting!!

So something I have been trying to do as I head into the final trimester is live in the grateful place. I could be complaining about the constant itching  ( I mean literally my entire body from head to toe itches..( coconut oil is helping with that, thanks Durbin) or the swollen ankles (which remind me of a time I was eating a lot of Chinese food) which aren’t bad just inconvenient.. or I could complain about waking up a few times a night now or that it takes me longer to do things..(getting dressed, putting on shoes, walking, finding a comfortable position to sleep in, to name but a few)  but I am trying not to do that.. (could it be that my little girl is teaching me patience as she grows?) —But I choose not to, I am focusing on being grateful that I am pregnant because this time last year, I was very sad that I was not pregnant and didn’t have any of these symptoms. To me the lesson here is, live in the moment you are in, stop trying to guess what comes next and “breathe in” what’s going on right now!

So what’s next? I have no idea.. and for the first time, EVER I am okay with that.

I saw a great quote today which actually helped inspire this blog.

If you are depressed, you are living in the Past. If you are anxious, living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the moment. – Lao Tzu

To living in the moment—-

Think About It!

 

Dear Readers,

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you will know I typically shy away from the subjects that are volatile such as gun control or other politically charged topics but I have been thinking about what to write since Sunday and I have to write about this.

My heart aches for the people who were killed because of hate. It’s as simple and as complex as that. I hate that it’s possible, and even becoming commonplace. Like so many things in society, when it happens over and over the sad thing is that we become inured to the horror that something like this can happen. It is happening over and over again.

We all love the people we love for whatever reason we love them, should that really be a reason to lose your life?  I don’t want to put the spotlight on the person who killed those 49 innocent people so I am not publishing his name or anything else about him. I will however post the names of those people who are dead because someone decided they didn’t like their lifestyle and opted to play GOD. While you mourn, please remember that the names on this list could just as easily be you or me, or your wife, or your husband or your partner and the city could be your city. Let’s all remember to be kind to each other and ask questions when we don’t understand something. I think the opportunity to understand each other and love each other is there every day and sometimes it takes a senseless tragedy like this to make us realize it.

Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old

Amanda Alvear, 25 years old

Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old

Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old

Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old

Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old

Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old

Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old

Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old

Cory James Connell, 21 years old

Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old

Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old

Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old

Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old

Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old

Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old

Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old

Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old

Frank Hernandez, 27 years old

Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old

Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old

Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old

Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old

Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old

Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old

Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old

Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old

Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old

Kimberly Morris, 37 years old

Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old

Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old

Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old

Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old

Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old

Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old

Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old

Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old

Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old

Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old

Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old

Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old

Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old

Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old

Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old

Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old

Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old

Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old

Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old

Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old

THINK ABOUT IT.

I can’t speak for you, but as for me, I am going to do some research and see what I can do about becoming involved in greater restrictions on guns or if there is anything else I can do. Thinking about it, is no longer enough for me. Is it enough for you?

 

I know this is a hot topic, at least it is for me.

I am 24 weeks pregnant, My baby is the size of a half an ear of corn and I am really getting excited about meeting her, please don’t deprive me of that chance because you needed to “like” “comment” or “text” someone. Does that sound dramatic to you?

On my way in to work today, I saw at least 5 people texting while they were driving. One of them nearly hit me, another went into the wrong lane and someone else honked at them to correct them but NONE of it was necessary. Just put the phone down or wait till you are where you are going.

No text is worth it.. please for the love of all things sacred, including the people who love you and would miss you, STOP TEXTING AND DRIVING!!!

I gave this speech last year and I am proud of it, but this is still a problem, so do your part and don’t text and drive.. please!

Here are some words from the StopTextsStopWrecks team-

We live in a connected world where multitasking is second nature and communication is instant. This, coupled with the compulsion to stay connected at all times, makes drivers overly confident in their ability to ‘safely’ text and use their cell phones while driving.  Many drivers believe that they can practice unsafe driving habits such as “driving with their knees,” “glancing up and down from their phone,” or “creating singing vines while driving,” but these drivers often do not realize how many consequences these behaviors can cause. It’s imperative that every driver remembers- all distracted driving is dangerous.

THINK ABOUT IT!

 

Dear Readers!

We went on an epic road trip (12 states in 10 days!) recently to celebrate being debt free! Let me say that again, we are DEBT FREE! This was also our “babymoon” which is something I only heard about recently from my fellow blogger and friend, Chelsea!

This is a trip you take to celebrate the two of you before you add another person to your family.. FOREVER!

I am going to go on record saying that we had some things planned but a lot of them were not.  (shock, gasp, and gaping inserted here) – My company was VERY generous last year and awarded me with a free vacation rental stay (my first) for excellent performance.      (Go me!) – so that was planned.. but everything else was “stop as we are tired” which by and large actually worked out much better than expected— color me shocked and surprised because I REALLY like to plan.. for more on this see this post– https://jenniferhastonsays.wordpress.com/2016/04/14/go-with-the-flow/

One of my favourite things that happened, was that because we had NOT planned each and every detail of an itinerary we were able to stay an extra day in Florida on the beautiful white sands of the beach. I LOVE THE BEACH and find it the most tranquil place to be so that made the vacation an even sweeter one. Which would not have happened if we had “stuck to the plan”- We also didn’t know that our sweet friends Mike and Leanne were going to show up in Nashville and surprise us while we did our debt-free scream live and in person with Dave Ramsey himself!  (thanks again y’all!) (this did take planning, so if you do want to do one yourself be sure to contact the office in advance.. it’s about a 6 week wait right now and you also have to do it within 6 months of getting debt-free)

Here is our scream if you would like to see it..

 

Also not planned– we did a stop in St. Louis to see my Aunt and Uncle and cousins.. what we didn’t know is that my aunt and uncle were going to put us up in a very swanky hotel towards the end of the trip when yours truly REALLY needed some room service and some luxury amenities!

So what has this taught me? Well I still like to plan and heading into parenthood I am doing a fair bit of planning but I am coming to realize, planning is not everything.. it’s definitely important but it’s not as important as I thought.

 

This represents some major thought process change for me and I hope it helps you re-examine how you “know” some things to be true.. All I ask is that you …

Think about it….

Dear Readers,

Have you  been in this situation? Someone you manage is having difficulty and it’s your task to help them but you still struggle with the task at hand? I think we are told over and over again that in order to criticize someone you necessarily have to be a jerk or to criticize someone is considered jerk behavior. Think about it, if you know someone is not performing to standard and you don’t tell them about it and offer them the chance to improve, who is more at fault, them or you?

A good friend who was teaching our class today (My company is awesome in that they give us time for professional development) reminded us all that conflict isn’t necessarily a bad thing. When handled with diplomacy and tact, it can be an opening to a great conversation and fantastic results.

When I think back to some of the greatest growth I have experienced, it’s usually in direct proportion to the type of feedback I got and what I did after receiving it. 

Toastmasters is an excellent example, when you sign up to speak, you automatically agree to be evaluated or criticized. It’s all in how you frame it really. I have improved dramatically as a speaker because of critique received in a meeting, on slips of paper or conversations after a speech telling me what they liked and didn’t like.

One of the hardest notes I have ever gotten was that “I didn’t GO FOR IT” which

in that context is being truly authentic and vulnerable..(they sensed I was holding back and to be honest they were right) and ever since then I have made it a point that any time I speak, I give a message from the heart (thanks Ryan Avery) and I am 1000 percent me. Sometimes that is hard, but it’s always rewarding.

So the next time you find yourself in a situation where you have to criticize someone try your best to avoid the apology part. Come from a place of “I want to help you improve and I have the tools to help you” and stop there. Listen to what they have to say and work together for the betterment of the situation. What greater gift can you give than your real, authentic self.

Think about it…..

Dear Readers- Why are these words so hard to utter? I guess it’s because we all want to think we can do everything alone. Why is is so hard to admit when we can’t?

If you are anything like me and I think you probably are… it’s hard to admit something isn’t working or you need help. Being pregnant, I find it hard to admit it’s harder to pick things up than it used to be or that I get tired much quicker than I used to. As my good friend Meredith put it, “growing a human is exhausting” —

For the last couple of months, I have been working on getting more fit and working towards healthier eating and living a healthier life. Don’t get me wrong, I still love chocolate and will likely always have it as part of my menu but both for myself and the little one on the way, a more consistent level of healthy eating is a must.

When we got back from vacation I realized how much junk we ate (yes, we were on vacation, so there are some allowances to be made- I don’t know about you but I can’t be in New Orleans and not eat an oyster poboy…) and I realized.. that is not how I want to live or how I want to raise my daughter. It’s still very exciting to type that because it’s becoming more real with each passing week.

My mom says it all the time and it’s incredibly good advice..

“Begin as you mean to continue” – My goal is eat healthier food and to occasionally eat junk as a treat. My goal is to make exercise a part of the conversation or the natural flow of what we do as adults and model that healthy behavior for our child.

So in taking a long, hard look at what I have been doing over the last few weeks, it was unpleasant to see how much junk I have been eating.. and by junk I mean all the things that have ZERO nutritional value. So I go back to her advice.. I will begin again.

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday and it came up we both needed to get back to fitness goals and I was struck by how easy it would be to build that into the conversation we have weekly anyway.. and I asked for help. I said, “let’s check in with each other each week and outline what our plan is to tackle fitness” She readily agreed and I instantaneously felt better because I had an action plan. What changed? I asked for help, I admitted it was a problem and said what I was going to do about it. I also belong to a facebook group that champions the idea of “eating real food” and as if they sensed I needed them, a challenge was issued yesterday to not eat drive thru for a month. I have done this before, but it’s difficult, but I signed up to do it again.

Starting today, I walk up the stairs to work, I will do a brisk walk around the block when I get home twice and then take the dog for the third lap, I will commit to joining the Y (have been going back and forth between gym options since February. No more.

I think that these are achievable goals and small tweaks to build healthier habits.

While I am asking for help… What do you do? How do you eat? I grew up with such a horrible cycle of using food for comfort, I still struggle with it to this day. We did paleo for a while and it worked for a long time but I think it’s time to admit we need a change.

What do you think? How do you decide what to eat? Do you have a specific discipline you follow? How does that work?

Think about it.. and please share in the comments- I would love to know what your strategy for healthy living is and how it works for YOU.

 

 

Dear Readers,

 

This is a picture of something some people did for me around Christmas and it was a small gesture.. (they had NO way of knowing how much it meant as I was having a particularly rough Christmas season) and it REALLY helped me to soldier through that day.

I love the idea of Pay it Forward and this morning, I paid for someone’s latte (I think).. I didn’t ask what it was.. I just paid for it.

The point of this is not to brag on me, but to inspire you to do something altruistic and something that sends a ripple of “nice” out to the rest of the population.

I enjoy thinking that my small act put a smile on someone’s face, and perhaps led them to have a nice start to their day.. Maybe the rest of their day was better because it started off on a good note.. or maybe they are a sourpuss determined to have a truly awful day and they saw my act as hostile… I choose to believe the former, and having that outlook allows me to live a happier life. The most important thing about paying it forward as they say in the movie.. I love this movie..the idea is that you do something nice for someone who can’t pay you back.. with the idea that they pay it forward and make the world a little nicer for someone else… What can you do that would help someone else smile today?

 

 

 

Think About It!

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Readers,

Howdy from the beaches of Destin, Florida. That is right, I am posting on vacation. I struggled with it for a bit but ultimately decided that I had something important to say this week. It’s about the need most of us feel to constantly post pictures of our lives and sometimes I think it gets the better of us, well me. I have made a conscious effort on this vacation to post a few pictures but not everything. It’s hard because this is a great time in my life. We are debt-free, I am 19 weeks pregnant (this is a picture of me saying- “wow, I really am pregnant!) and married to the love of my life. I just got a great promotion and raise, so why wouldn’t I want to document every single second?

Simply put, if you are taking a picture and focusing on that perfect angle and caption, are you really living in your moment?
As an actor and an artist, I have a responsibility to myself to “fill up” which means keeping some things private and not sharing everything. A concept lost on many in our “overshare” society.

Does this mean that you shouldn’t take pictures at all?

Of course not! What I am suggesting is thinking about “why” you are taking that picture and “why” you feel the need to post it.

Something we are doing on this trip is taking pictures but not posting them right away or at all.

But the “thinking” of “why” and “when” is causing us to “check” ourselves and help us enjoy our vacation and by extension live more than we post.

Think about it!