Haston Helping Hands

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-Jenn Haston- Author, Speaker, Activist.

helping people live their best lives. Inspiring one person daily!

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Dear Readers,

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, except it’s not that for everyone.

I really do try to keep it positive and spin things for the good as much as I can but this year has really sucked.

This weekend I attended my second funeral in as many months and that sucked.

One death was expected, the other was not.

To put it bluntly, this year has really been hard for my family.

Because of the unrelenting storm of stress and strife, it’s been pretty hard to find my holiday spirit this year, but I am doing my level best. Watching movies, listening to carols and putting up our tree.

Last week we did our family giving ritual, complete with our own little elf,

That last one usually does it, and again, this year it’s been hard. Especially knowing that so many of my friends are facing job loss, health issues, infertility struggles, and general depression.

So this got me wondering how many of us are walking around with fake smiles plastered on our faces, pretending to be “okay” or even “jolly” when we are anything but?

I think in this season especially, there is TREMENDOUS pressure to pretend all is merry and bright when in fact it’s the opposite.

So what can we do?

First, if you are not okay, acknowledge it and get some help and support.

Whatever that looks like, friends, family, therapy, do what you need to do. That might also mean limiting time with family and friends so you can avoid more stress. See last week’s post about boundaries.

Second, don’t assume everyone around you is holly and jolly. Ask people how they are doing today, and you know, listen.

Finally, be kind to everyone, even if it’s hard, even if they seem angry, you might be the only person who is kind to them anyway. So many people are unpleasant as a defense mechanism (I have definitely been unkind when not at my best) and very often a single act of kindness can turn that tide.

Rules for Success-

1. Be Kind

2. Be Kind

3. Be Kind

-Fred Rogers

Please know, if you are not okay, it REALLY is okay.

Promise.

Think About It.

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-The Professor Helps! Jenn Haston- Author, Speaker, Activist- helping people live their best lives. Inspiring one person daily!

Dear Readers,

Have you ever said yes to doing something and immediately regretted it, and wound up resenting the person you said yes to?

You know why? Because you were choosing to please other people instead of adhering to your own boundaries.

Put another way-

You chose resentment over discomfort. – Brene’ Brown

It took me a loooooooooooooooong time to stop the constant people pleasing.

Due in large part to my good friend, Jessica Brill

And before her, my mom- Joan Ellen Young

That’s right, it took two people to stamp out the rampant “people pleaser” behavior that I was prone to exhibiting.

In fact, it took even more than that, because each person who I said “no” to was another person who helped me keep my boundaries strong.

I fervently wish I had recorded that first “NO”

Then again, I guess it would be weird to call that person and remind them I said “No” thus defining a boundary.

When we were getting out of debt, my husband and I got a lot of practice saying no, it’s not in the budget or really just “no”. We also learned a metric ton about the usefulness of a buffer. Like, you always want to have a little extra in your accounts, in case of “the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing” happens and now you have 50.00 less than you thought, which dovetails nicely back to boundaries, less money, more “no”.

After all, “No.” is a complete sentence.

In this holiday season, it’s easy to overcommit yourself and your time, so please, do yourself a favor and set some boundaries and buffers.

Start small, say nothing when someone asks you to do something or go somewhere and really think, Do I want to?

If the answer is no, and you can’t quite bring yourself to say “no” yet, say, let me think about it and get back to you. Then think about it and get back to them.

If you are feeling it, go ahead and say, No.

I know it will feel awkward and like you want to add a sorry, but don’t.

Also, build in a few self-boundaries or buffers for yourself while you are at it.

For example, if you know something is due by 4pm, if you can have it done by 3:00, why not design your day to get it done early? I get there will be times that you can’t build in a buffer, but when you can, do it.

“Between buffers and boundaries, you will find a great deal of inner peace” Professor Haston

Think About It.

And then, SAY NO.

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Ugh! I don’t know about you, but I HATE to wait!

Dear Readers,

I have been working on this post for a while. So you were waiting, but didn’t know it.

When I think about waiting and what it means, I cast my mind back to when I saw the movie, “Rudy” and when he waits by the mailboxes for his letter of acceptance. Each time with a hopeful smile and spring in his step. I find that movie to be so inspiring on so many levels and hope to meet the real life Rudy someday.

But, back to me, and waiting.

First things first- let’s define the word wait-

It really depends what you are waiting for as to what definition you most identify with.

I can’t speak for you, but over the last six months I have been in one of these two states.

When

All

Is

Transitioning

Or, on darker days, it means

When

All

Is

Terrible

Not to put too fine a point on it, no matter what way I define it, it SUCKS out LOUD to WAIT.

Why is it so hard? I think it really comes down to the uncertainty of it all.

Because while it also really sucks to be told no, it’s still a resolution. You can not like the outcome, but it’s still an outcome. The uncertainty of “waititude” is what makes it so hard, you can’t move, you can’t plan, and you can’t take action. I think that part is the hardest and creates the most difficult byproduct to waiting, worrying.

A quote I have heard that I like is

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.

It hits me right between the eyes, because I am a recovering worrywart, I used to worry about everything. It’s been a slow slog, and honestly, it was my Mom who helped me most with it, when she said, “I know you worry about everything so…”

I stopped her and said, “No, that isn’t true any more. I have a healthy concern but I don’t worry needlessly any more”

She has never said that about me again which is a powerful motivator for me to keep it true.

So how did I learn to stop worrying needlessly?

Well, it’s not magical, it’s engaging those logical and rational members from the “classroom of my brain” and examining the following three questions:

1. What do I want?

2. What am I doing to get it?

3. How is it working for me?

(If the answer to number 3 is “not that well” I look to see if the outcome of what I am waiting on rests with me or with others, and if it is up to me, I adjust my strategy or do what I can (in other words, control my controllables) If what I am waiting on rests upon others, I let it go, because it’s our of my control therefore nothing I do or do not do will impact the outcome.

If you are a control connoisseur like myself and so many are, these are words that engender a great deal of frustration, but I invite you to reframe that into freedom, because if it’s not up to you, you just have to wait and do your best NOT to worry.

If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.- The Dalai Lama

“It will all work out”

“Don’t worry about it”

“Things happen for a reason”

Just stop this, please.

The danger is when the waiting becomes synonymous with worrying. -Professor Haston

The other thing I try my best to do is remember times in my life that waiting was part of something wonderful (eventually)

Here are some examples-

If you are like so many I know that are waiting, please take heart and seek out a friend or support to lean on in this time of stress and try your best to avoid worrying, and focus your efforts on what you can do.

Think About It.

Dear Readers!

Isn’t it always the way? As soon as Halloween is over, Thanksgiving struts it’s turkey self right into your calendar and then Christmas and before you know it, the new year is upon us and people are pestering you about resolutions again.

Well, I can’t even believe it but we are 28 days away from the end of the year, and the end of the decade.

Take a minute to breathe that in, friends.

The end of the decade.

Which likely gets you to asking, “What have I been doing with the last 10 years of my life?”

I suggest you go ahead make a list, I did it and was surprised by all the entries!

(Can I let you in on a secret?)

YOU are way more awesome than you give yourself credit for, pass it on!)

This (what the heck did I get done from 2010-2019 list) is a great way to pat yourself on the back, and really take stock of what in fact you have been up to lo these last 10 years.

However the point of today’s post is to get you to look forward and focus on this question.

What do you want to do in the next 10 years?

Take a second, breathe that in.

Okay, maybe that’s a BIG overwhelming thought accompanied by several follow ups or dwelling on the unknown. Okay, so let’s start smaller.

What do you want to do with the next 28 days?

The year isn’t over, so don’t act like it is.

Once you have set a few goals there. Look a little further down the road, how about the first 90 days of 2020? How about the next 90? And the next?

Are there some goals you need to let go of because this just isn’t the season to give it your full attention?

For instance, my marathon goal is being pushed back again. Originally, 2020 was my target but realistically it’s going to be 2022)

Still working hard on my book, but it might not be published until 2021, so coming to terms with that is part of this inventory and Intentional Living.

On the other hand, what goals will you add because as the year winds down you can see more clearly what the future might look like?

Think About It.

More importantly, make a plan, and get ready for it to get blown to smithereens by life and then make a new plan. Before you know it, we will be staring down 2021 and it will be too late to be intentional about 2020 any more.

Dear Readers,

This past weekend I took myself to see a movie which is one of my very favourite self-care activities. Note my smile!

One of reasons I love movies so much is they offer the chance for us to be quiet and just watch and take in something as it unfolds.

I saw “It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood” and as with anything that reminds us of our humanity and the need to slow down and be kind, I am onboard and here to listen to it.

I don’t think we give that gift anymore (the gift of silence). I’m very concerned that our society is much more interested in information than wonder. In noise, rather than silence…how do we encourage reflection? Oh my, this is a noisy world. I get up every morning at least by 5AM. I have a couple hours of quiet time, reflect about what it is important. What can we do, to encourage people to have more quiet in their lives, more silence? Real revelation comes through silence.– Mr. Fred Rogers

I watched an interview with Tom Hanks and he was talking about how hard it was to slow down and pay attention to every person as though they were the only person in the world. This was the overarching piece of advice he got when asking others about Rogers, preparing to play him. He admitted to being terrified to play the part for fear of getting it wrong.

That quote and this movie got me thinking, in our very loud and busy lives, how often do we stop and listen? The other day I found myself getting impatient with the person I was talking to and as soon as I realized it, I said, “Gosh, my mind must have wandered, can you say that again, please” and I felt my frustration lift, and real comprehension took place.

Yes, I even get impatient with these two, and forget to be silent and explore the wonder.

This happens all the time, so this week I wanted to invite you to find ways to find wonder and look for places to be silent as you listen intently (ala Mr. Rogers) to spoken and unspoken things being shared with you.

Think About It.

Dear Readers,

A couple of weeks ago I saw a delightful picture online which of course I can’t find now, but the sentiment stayed with me.

What if the internet closed every evening at an appointed time?

What would that world be like? How much more “connected” might we be if we “disconnected” from our phones or the things that emanate light for just 2 hours a night?

I can hear the objections now, I mean, how would the WORLD turn minus technology? Planes wouldn’t fly, people couldn’t work or drive minus GPS to guide them, right?

So, this idea has flaws, but the premise of taking an intentional sabbatical from the internet, that my friends, is solid.

Perhaps 2 hours feels like a lot, okay, try 30 minutes, no technology, let yourself be bored and see how good it feels.

Maybe your family sits down to dinner at 5, so 5-6 no devices. Try it, listen to your kids or partner grumble and try the high/low game – “What was your high today?” What was your low today?”

If you are by yourself, relish the sound of nothingness and let yourself be awash in boredom. It’s good to be bored. ~ Jenn Haston~

It would be great if we could all agree to put those pixels down at a certain time every day or night but I am fighting a strong habit here so it’s okay to ask for help with unplugging.

In fact, there are applications for that, so please go check them out. Moment is one that I use and have found it to be a good accomplice in my self-imposed digital diet. I did this when I noticed that my 3 year old daughter knows what a phone is but has never used one, and is always grabbing for it, so I started to keep it in the other room. When it buzzes or rings, I don’t always answer it or look at it right away, because I don’t want my technology to own me or our family, I want to use it to enhance the relationships we have and tell my electronic assistant we need bananas or coffee from the store, while sitting on the ground tickling my munchkin and hearing her peals of laughter. It truly is the best sound in the world.

Remember the only thing we don’t get back is time, so let me ask you, how are you spending yours?

Think About It.

Dear Readers,

If you have not been following the Rodney Reed case, let me fill you in on what’s going on in this case.

Rodney Reed is sentenced to die next Wednesday for a crime that he is accused of but that there has not been sufficient evidence to prove that he committed.

He has been proclaiming his innocence for twenty years and according to NBC news recent article breaking down the case and advocating for Freeing Rodney Reed

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/rodney-reed-deserves-chance-clear-his-name-victim-stacey-stites-n1080491

This article includes witness statements and forensic evidence uncovered since the victim died should allow Reed a new trial.

In the same article, by Eric Ortiz, the sister of the victim is fighting to keep Rodney Reed alive so they can get “justice for Stacey”

Does that sound like she thinks he is guilty?

Why would she come to Rodney’s defense if she did not believe in his innocence.

While thinking about that, here are some facts.

1. DNA was never collected from the belt used to strangle Stites.
2. The home shared with the victim was never searched for evidence.
3. New witness accounts have not been allowed into evidence.

What can you do? Well for starters, familiarize yourself with the facts so you can make a judgment call about what you think given the following-

https://www.freerodneyreed.com

Are you done reading? Good, now it’s time to act.

Time is of the essence.

Rodney Reed is scheduled to be executed on Wednesday, November 20th.

I implore you, read the site, Sign the petition- and then get to dialing, and then share and tweet and instagram the living daylights out of this message. This man does not deserve to die due to racism and bias.

Don’t let this be another case of someone who is executed and then exonerated. Please do something before it is too late. 

Often we use the internet to share memes and jokes, but no one is living or dying because of it.

No one has a voice like you. Use it. ~ Jenn Haston~

You signing a petition and making calls and sharing this could SAVE A LIFE.

Think About It. Now, what are you going to do?

—————————-

From Shaun King-

We need to persuade Governor Greg Abbott, the Board of Pardons and Paroles, the Bastrop County District Attorney Brian Goertz, and other conservative elected officials to stay this execution, review all of the evidence that exonerates Rodney, and eventually grant him a new trial.

It’s in their hands, but they have to know how much we care. 

I need you to call ALL of the people. If you’ve never done this work with me before, we’re kind and respectful when we call. Be firm and thorough. Be persistent, but be kind. People are more apt to respond to kindness than they will anger. Leave a message if you have to. Ask to be transferred to someone else if nobody is available.

And when you call, let them know that you are calling to advocate on behalf of Rodney Reed, an innocent man who has been wrongly convicted and sentenced to death on November 20th.

We have set up a tool that will connect you these influential people back-to-back. Each group of people has a slightly different role to play in the process. Here are the dial-in numbers for each group-

1. Call the governor, TBPP, and DA Brian Goertz: (512) 967-0567

2. Call Governor Abbott’s Staff: (512) 488-0698

3. Call Lt. Governor Dan Patrick’s Staff: (770) 800-0689

4. Call The Board Of Pardons and Paroles Staff & Members: (737) 214-3944