Tag: love language

Listening is underrated and an underperformed act

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Dear Readers,

I had occasion to connect with a dear friend of mine on Sunday and it occurred to me how long it has been since we had time to talk. Scratch that, I talk to people all day long and they talk to me, but do we really LISTEN to each other? I am sad to say that no, that isn’t always the case.

I am diligently working on this skill and am so glad I am because in this chat, he said something I REALLY needed to HEAR. I won’t share what it was because it was important to me and will mean nothing to you. Later that night, I heard a similar thing when a friend opened up and was very upset and I didn’t have an answer which is hard but often true.

I honed that skill further when another friend in need said, I don’t want you to cheer me up (a tall order) I want you to listen, and I want to be in a dark place and be pissed at the world. I also will understand if you need to not be around me right now. Deep breath. Okay. First, you are family, I will always want to see you, and hear what you have to say.

Then in the same week, I needed to listen to myself when I was sick and needed to rest. I tend to be a workhorse, and not stopping for anything as unimportant as a little sickness, but you know what, this was not small, this was non unimportant. I needed to go home and rest. So I did. I do not regret it, your health is no small thing and I can tell you listening to your body is a great skill to develop.  I am posting this picture of a coffee cup a friend gave me which I cherish and I used during one of these conversations to take a thoughtful pause when I wanted oh so badly to talk…. but what my friends needed was a listener. I encourage you to take stock and consider, Do you listen or wait…………………………………for your turn to talk? friendsMartina

Think About It……

Think about it.

What baking has taught me about love….

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Dear Readers,

Every year, my dear friend Jessi makes Christmas cookies from scratch and provides an assortment and (keeping in mind which person like which cookie) its just as labor-intensive as it sounds. I have “helped” her do this exactly one time and that help pretty much consisted of tasting batter and entertaining her with stories and occasionally moving one dish from the table to the sink. Her love language is Quality Time so it works.

Lo these many years, bemoaning my lack of ability to cook I allowed myself the use of premade cookie dough and occasionally would spoon it on to a cookie sheet (instead of my mouth) to “make cookies” for people I cared about. But over the last few years as I learned how to make cakeballs (to great compliment) so I can no longer say that I don’t know how to cook, I did attempt to find out how to make my Aunt Nancy’s cookies which is are known all over St Louis for being amazing. I watched her once and despaired I would ever figure it out. It is not that difficult, it simply takes effort which I recently learned is well worth the time to expend. Let me explain.

On Tuesday night, I hung out with my friend Meredith and amidst lots of time spent and grocery shopping we made over 100 cookies, some for the church, some for my team, some for the checker at the grocery store who took notice of us and said, “I want some cookies” so we brought him some. He was happy and surprised that we did.

I was struck by how easy it is to take the shortcut and buy the premade dough and if you do this, I want to be clear, I am NOT judging you, as there is definitely something to be said for the sacrifice of time for convenience. The difference between the prepackaged cookie dough cookies and the homemade cookies you mix the flour, sugar, butter and chocolate chips is like night and technicolor morning! I had no idea the difference was so stark. The richness of the flavor, the sweetness of the chocolate chips each one melting in your mouth, absolute heaven! How does this relate to love you ask?

Simple, we can love everyone the same, cookie-cutter emotions, words and ideas or we can choose to take the time, the effort, and the energy to find out exactly what the other person wants, needs, and desires. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it takes effort.  However, the result you get is much like the difference between pre-packaged cookie dough and the cookies we painstakingly mixed, scooped, and baked the other night with the most important ingredient, LOVE.

Think about it…. and Happy “baking”!!cookiescientist

What’s your Love Language?

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Dear Readers,

I come to you today to ask a question. What is your love language? I actually was very surprised when I went to this link to take that quiz. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

The last time I took it, was seven years ago when my boyfriend (now husband) agreed (at my urging) to take it so we could better communicate and relate. In retrospect, I remember thinking it was a fun exercise and didn’t have much to do with how I would behave moving forward. I know at the time, my highest score was “words of appreciation” so while actions are still important, as a logophile (lover of words) I love words of appreciation. Really shocking.

However, the more important result was my partners. Acts of Service is the best way to show your love to him. This would likely not surprise anyone who knows him. He is the kind of person who not only would give you the shirt off his back if you didn’t have one. He also would take particles and pieces of things from the ether to MAKE one for YOU before ever thinking of HIMSELF. This makes him a giving and selfless person and utterly lovable.

I hate doing landry so much so that I have a saying.. “I love you laundry loads” which for a long time was an “inside story” I had with a member of my family of origin which I have mentioned to my husband in passing, and he has truly taken it to heart-

What this means is I love you as much as I HATE doing laundry. Simple and awesome right? It turns out my husband understood this much better than  I did… Since he did an act of service for me..  which would be doing the trash, dishes, laundry and cooking.. things like that.. you know the things we all would rather not do. Well I came face to face with the fact that acts of service means more to me than I thought because the other day, though he was bone tired, my husband finished my laundry for me. I woke up early to finish.. and lo and behold I woke to find this ==Loveyoulaundryloadswhich is the physical manifestation of someone loving ME Laundry Loads. I teared up a little and headed to work, happy with my lot in in life to be loved so completely.

In case you are curious, this my love language NOW –

7 Quality Time
7 Receiving Gifts
6 Words of Affirmation
5 Acts of Service
5 Physical Touch

It lines up well with my values, because as many of you, quality time is hard to come by and the most valuable commodity to me. It behooves all of us to know how the people in our lives can “love us better” so I recommend you take the quiz, at the very least to understand more about yourself and how you feel most loved.

Think about it…..

The little things are EVERYTHING!

HastonHelpingHands1 Comment

Dear Readers,

Often I remark to my husband how simply amazing he is. He brushes off the compliment or says thank you grudgingly but every day I am touched in places I didn’t even know I HAD- (back when I was dating losers and SETTLING in every way possible) by the little simple things he does to make my lift better, easier, and just plain fun.

Exhibit A- After our trip away this weekend, he noticed my tire was low and even though he had the next morning to sleep in, he got up without complaint and followed me on my way to work to be sure I didn’t have a blow out on the way to air it up.

Exhibit B- We are moving, which is fun (you get a new place) and annoying (you have to pack) but he is making it really easy by having us pack a little each day (his idea and talk about a stress reliever) especially when I came home the other night to find he had packed the entire garage while I was at work.

Exhibit C- I got a ticket for running a red light yesterday, which is embarrassing and I was so worried about him being mad and he smiled and said, “We will figure it out” and started looking up defensive driving classes and telling me about how we can fight the ticket (which I plan to.. that light was SO YELLOW!) which was such a relief to me because it encapsulates so beautifully his whole philosophy for any obstacles that come our way.

“WE” will figure it out.

After we were married, It took me a minute (read months) to get used to this pronoun, and at times, I resented having to “check in” to be sure “we” were free before making plans or if I was going to be out late with the girls… but now I cherish it.  We are a team, and together we are better and stronger than we could ever be apart.

I could go on and on.. and often do but the biggest point of all this.. is that every day I fall a little more in love with this man who is literally the most understanding guy I have ever met and makes my world a fabulous one.. this picture is an example of how even if he is in pain, (he had hit his toe with a hammer the day before) he will take a foot picture for me..just because I ask.

image

Is your friendship on life support?

HastonHelpingHandsLeave a comment

Dear Readers,

My blog is directly related to the things that happen or don’t happen in my life and I do my best to be honest with you, my readers, in the hope that something I say will inspire you to action in your own life. So here is my question-

Is your friendship on life support?The more important question is- Should it be or is it time to pull the plug?

A few caveats, people get sick, they have kids, they have other friends, jobs, and responsibilities and for that I do make allowances until it becomes clear that the person I am trying to be friends with doesn’t really care about me at all. This is the time when you just have to say enough is enough and pull the plug. The catalyst for me making this decision was a few weeks ago, I went to The Smart Conference in Dallas and was privileged to hear Dr. Henry Cloud (author of the book , “Necessary Endings” who gave a really excellent speech about the necessary pruning we must do in our lives. In a nutshell, he talks about getting rid of the relationships or aspects of our lives that are “dead or dying” — which got me thinking, how

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2tdjXc9F8k (one minute microcosm of his ideas here)

So a few words about this, there are relationships that grow you and change you and support you and there are then people who just make you feel bad about yourself or can ONLY talk about themselves and spending time with them is always a version of  The __________ Show — (you know what I mean) and those are the ones I am proposing you prune. Life is too short, we all have lots of things we are doing so I tell you now, the next time you set up plans to spend time with someone think about what you get out of that friendship. This is not about “what have you done for me lately?” this is about what does “this friendship” do for me?

Think about it!