TheBossOfBalance

Let Go Of The Checklist

August 20, 2015 TheBossOfBalanceLeave a comment

Dear Readers,

I have been wrestling with this for a while now and thought it might add value to your life if I shared that struggle with you.

How many of us have a checklist? I don’t mean a to-do list. I mean a life checklist.. Yours might look different but here is a few of my “checklist items” that I have been discussing and other friends have been kind enough to share.

Finish College

Get Married

Have a Baby

Get a job that feels like a vacation

Get over the fact that my family of origin leaves much to be desired

Win an Oscar

Get out of debt

Win a Grammy

Run a marathon

Moving to a new city

Okay so there are a few problems with a check list – One you feel hemmed in by it.. like that box waiting for the check is alone and chanting at you, “Jennifer, you aren’t done with me yet., when are you going to win that Oscar? Why are you still in school? Why haven’t you had a baby yet? and it all sounds like noise till you realize that this is self-imposed.. No one gave you a checklist.. you wrote it up and are being bound to something that is completely 100% of your doing. Two, its usually too long. There is a finite amount of time you get so a reminder that you should focus on what is truly important is not out of line, I think.

I am not saying goals are not important. They are, but I think its worth examining our expectations and getting them more aligned with reality so as to avoid disappointment.

Case in point, I wanted to run a 1/2 marathon this year. I planned to do it and was excited and scared at the prospect. I decided in March (after running 10 miles) that I could do it. For those that don’t know a half marathon is 13.1 miles which sounds really daunting when viewed that way. Well, as you might imagine, I started to try break this into baby steps. (run a 5K in September) and then do a half marathon by January.. well life (as it so often does) intervened. I pulled my back out of joint in May (but kept stubbornly on running even though I was in pain) and didn’t actually acknowledge how much it hurt until June so went to see a doctor and got muscle relaxers and the orders not to run.. but I could still walk. On doctors orders, I had to give up running. I could have walked but found myself so depressed I didn’t even want to do that so for a month and a half I didn’t walk, and ate lots of junk food trying to feel better but it wasn’t until last week that I worked out again. So, what has this to do with the checklist idea?

I need to let it go! I may run a marathon but I need to heal my body first and I have to let got of the checklist because it is going to look different than I thought. That is not a bad thing. One of my original checklist goals was to marry in 1999 and had I married the person I was with then, my life would look much different than it does now.

The Checklist can be a help but I find sometimes it can really hurt you to keep comparing yourself to your goals and finding yourself lacking. Progress, not perfection!

Think about it…

Listen More, Talk less!

August 12, 2015 TheBossOfBalanceLeave a comment

Dear Readers,

I love to talk, I mean really love it. I love the telephone, I love to speak and I love to talk to other people whether its work related or personal. I love it so much that sometimes I “wait for my turn to talk” rather than “really listen”. It is a habit i am working hard to break.

Think about this :

We have two ears and one mouth, I do not believe that is an accident.

I find that it behooves you in both places to listen more than you talk. People are 100% more interested in themselves than they will ever be in you, no matter how fascinating you are so bear that in mind in your next interaction.

Case in point, in my Toastmasters meeting today, I was on the PRO side of a debate and I chose to be first, if I had listened to the rules and details I would have known that the advantage was in going second because you can hear the argument being made so you can better play the game of point, counterpoint. Needless to say, I lost..

What’s the big deal you say? Well the Toastmasters debate got me to thinking about how often we “jump” to a conclusion or a reaction and “miss” that one thing that might make all the difference in building a relationship or solving a problem. I take my Toastmasters meeting seriously but I was not invested in whether I won or not.. for me today was about playing the game. I find that as a coach, the success of my client depends on me asking the right questions or more importantly, getting my client to ask themselves the right questions to arrive to the answer to a problem or approach the situation in a completely new way.

So the next time you pick up a phone, walk up to someone’s desk or sign in to that social media — Listen More, Talk Less…

Think About It….

Dream it and then DO IT…

August 5, 2015 TheBossOfBalanceLeave a comment

Dear Readers,

It is not enough to say you want to do something. You must put a deadline on it.

If you have a dream to move to another city, state or country. Do what a very famous director in Austin told me when I was directing my first production many years ago –

“Work backwards from opening night.”

Let me be more specific, Write on your calendar “GOAL” and then work backwards, what must you do in each week to get there?

If you want to learn a language, don’t say you are too busy, figure out if its important enough to actually do it and find the time.

Do you want to run a 5K? Don’t just talk about it, join a running group, or even start with a cause you believe in more than the comfort of the couch, that’s how most people do it.

If you want to speak professionally, speak every chance you get and ask for feedback from people who are better than you, join Toastmasters and keep speaking every chance you get so you have every chance to get better.

My blog is all about getting people to live their dreams, not just talk about them, so I challenge you, yes you, reading this.. What do you want to do ?

Make a plan, and get some accountability partners and then GO DO IT.. What are you waiting for? There will never be a better time to start.

Think about it….

One chapter begins as another ends…

July 30, 2015 TheBossOfBalanceLeave a comment

I was casting about for some pithy way to start this post and hit upon this quote

“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.”

― Frank Herbert

I have several friends who are moving into the next phase of their life – going to graduate school, getting married, adopting kids, fostering kids and having kids and changing their career to name but a few.

These are all exciting things to happen but do not come without a level of stress- I learned in college all about “eustress” which is defined here-

Eustress is a term coined by endocrinologist Hans Selye. The wordeustress consists of two parts. The prefix eu- derives from the Greek word meaning either “well” or “good.” When attached to the word stress, it literally means “good stress” I don’t know about you but I don’t generally think of stress as associated with good things but isn’t that the ultimate in reframing a situation? I am a big fan of that phrase and practice because let’s face it there are lots of situations in life that are not as we wish them to be, so in reframing you can paint it with the brush you like instead of the brush you have. For instance, I can look at today like, man I am tired and don’t want to go work out today, or as my good friend Jessica says, I have the “opportunity” to be tired because I am busy living a life I love and I have the “opportunity” to work out because my body is a working, breathing instrument that I am blessed to have working for me.

Is that a little “being pollyanna” or viewing the world in “rose-colored glasses” YOU BET.. and most of the time it’s how I choose to view my life. Mark me, this does not exclude hard circumstances and real-life difficulty, but there are real opportunities every day to look for the happy rather than the annoying aspect of a given situation.

For example, I could look at my friend going to graduate school and moving away from Austin to become a professor as very sad and focus on the fact that he is moving away.

Yes, there is a level of sadness that goes with it, but I choose to focus on all the students he is going to impact and help live more enriched lives and the things they have yet to experience in his as yet unfilled classroom. This also gives way to the opportunity to stay in touch whether that is by email or even (gasp) a paper and pen letter.

Perhaps we could all stand to have a change like that. What chapter do you need to bring to an end to get YOU to your NEXT chapter?

Think about it…

“My mom makes the greatest cakeballs!”

July 23, 2015 TheBossOfBalanceLeave a comment

My cake balls are important. I don’t make them often, and especially now that we are doing paleo 95.4% (yep I did the math) of the time cake balls are usually not on the menu. So it is special when I make them and my husband is always telling me how good they are. I love that man.

This is what I hope my kid will say one day because I will make cakeballs and he or she will bring them to school for the bake sale or some other such moment. For now, I can make them for my nieces and nephews when they ask and that makes me smile. I hope they will ask (but in case they don’t) I will post it here–

Future Son or Daughter:”How did you learn to make such great cake balls, Mom?”

I will smile wistfully and say, “Your Aunt Alexandra taught me”

I may or may not choose to tell them that I didn’t know how to cook until I turned 32 and this was the start of that…. (will depend on my mood) You can’t really plan these things.. but I digress.. back to the present day–

I made some for my team today and I could feel a real lift in the general “mood” of the day.. I mean who doesn’t like cake.. which got me thinking……

If I feel that good about making something for my team, how much better is it going to be to do it for my own flesh and blood? So this is sort of a nod to the future me, no, I am not pregnant, thanks for asking! but I did send a copy of this post to http://futureme.org/ (which lets you send an email to your future self one month or many years into the future which I think is awesome..) Think how vastly changed your perspective changes in just one year, and then five and so on… How valuable will that email be ? I think that it is very easy to get short-sighted and just focus on what things look like RIGHT NOW and get tunnel vision but if you look carefully and shift that kaleidoscope a little, you get a different view and sometimes that makes all the difference.

Think about it…

Time passes swiftly by …

July 16, 2015 TheBossOfBalance1 Comment

Dear Readers,
Tomorrow is the 4 year anniversary of the day I married my husband. It was a great day after a lot of stress and planning to make the perfect day.. I tell you this because I think its important to look back and say, If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t change anything but I might not stress as much.. There is no such thing as a perfect day but this came darn close. My family and friends went out of their way to make it wonderful.

You know who you are, but in case you don’t!

Alexandra Russo- breakfast, hosting the rehearsal dinner, and last minute detail work on my dress!

Rachel Meissner- all the care and love you put into helping me pick out the flowers and the dresses and hostessing the shower and helping keep me sane and… I could go on and on.. but you know how grateful I remain even now.

Jennifer Durbin- You hosted a wonderful bachelorette party that was EXACTLY what I wanted and also kept me sane during a crazy crazy time!

Jessica Brill- the one true SWADIC- helped me with so many details I have lost count including but not limited to the not stressing (goldfish be gone!) over and over again

Joan Ellen/Mom- words don’t begin to cover it, not only did you make my dress, drive in to finish said dress, keep me sane through the entire process and continually remind me that the dress was just one piece and to enjoy my day and not “stress the small stuff” and its all small stuff”

The common theme here is stress or worry– you always worry about the things that don’t happen– and some of the things you NEVER worry about come to pass and there is no predicting it so what is the point? Well, I guess what I am trying to say is that if you have an event coming up (doesn’t have to be a wedding) that you are stressing over, use the 2, 2, 2 rule, oh you don’t know that one.. well let me advise you what I mean.. If you are stressing, ask the question

Will this matter in two hours? Will this matter in 2 weeks? Will this matter in 2 months?

Think About it.. as you can see from this picture.. it all worked out great!

Happy Anniversary Jeremy!

What makes you cry?

July 10, 2015July 13, 2015 TheBossOfBalanceLeave a comment

Dear Readers,

Last night I went to see a phenomenal show “When the Rain Stops Falling” – If you are one of my local readers in Austin, you should go see it, its heartfelt, extremely well written, directed and acted. I can not say enough good things about this show.

As an actor myself, it is sometimes hard to see a show I didn’t audition for but nonetheless am unhappy to not be cast in. Rational, no way, but True… This particular show was a notable exception, I thoroughly enjoyed it and didn’t have any feelings of “why wasn’t I in that show?” — It was perfectly cast and I can’t imagine it otherwise.

I promised to be authentic with you because who wants to read fluff. Part of being an artist is being authentic and sharing what isn’t pretty and nice but rather the jagged edges and glass shards of oneself so back to the play.

Why did it move me so? The story is one of heartbreak, loss and redemption involving an extremely bruised family who were just so achingly human. Does it help that some of my friends were in the show and not only good but gave heart breaking performances? Alexandra Russo and Scot Friedman, in case you are not sure who I mean, I just pointed it out, so thank you for giving me such a gift of not only being good people who I am blessed to call friends but fellow artists giving such a good name to the word.

I would like it anyway, but that it was so good made me love it.

The title of this blog post is “what makes you cry?” so I will go back to that. This play made me cry, music and movies sometimes makes me cry. When I am in pain, I cry and sometimes when I am happy I cry. So this makes it sound like I walk around the world sobbing piteously but no, actually its just one snapshot piece of who I am, and my hunch is it is a part of you as well.

Sometimes you just need a good cry, my Mom says that and you know, she is Almost ALWAYS right.

Think about it….

Family- What’s your definition?

July 3, 2015 TheBossOfBalanceLeave a comment

Dear Readers,

I have been doing a LOT of thinking about Family lately with the SCOTUS ruling and no, I am not going to get all political in your face about it, but I will say I am very happy about it. If you aren’t happy about it, let’s talk, I seek to understand before being understood since I find that works better than ranting at someone, “You are wrong, and you just don’t get it” – but I digress–

My childhood was not a happy one. There I said it, in fact, looking back on it, it sucked.

I didn’t really get the opportunity to be a kid and was forced to grow up pretty quickly for a myriad of reasons. I try my best not to focus on the past because its full of pain but I find it necessary to reflect on it to tell you about something great that I recently experienced.

I went home to New Orleans last weekend and visited with my family of choice and ate some great food with my husband and it was wonderful, no guilt, no issues, and no DRAMA. One of my favourite things about my family of choice is they are sister, mother, and fathers to their own wonderful family of origin but it does not diminish their ability to be my family of choice. I actually think it enhances it. I am always grateful that they allowed me to choose them and I choose them again and again because they are loving., and respectful. That is not to say we do not disagree because there are times we do but the love, that is the overwhelming aspect of those relationships. So I pose this question to you, how do you define family?

Think about it!

Gaps in Life Training….

June 24, 2015 TheBossOfBalanceLeave a comment

Dear Readers,

Last night I had a flat tire.. well really it was a blowout and luckily it happened close to the side of the road so I was able to pull over and change it myself. but not really, because what I did instead was call my husband (who is amazing for so many reasons) who didn’t make me feel bad about it AT ALL and proceeded to take off his fancy dress shirt (did I mention we were driving back from a fancy event, always the way) and he changed it. I did TRY to change it myself because I SO WANT to be the person who knows how to do this but I don’t. I was able to get the jack out and other items and was working on it when he walked up and said, “do you want me to do it, or do you want to do it?” I said, “no, I am tired of this being something I don’t know how to do” and got the jack out and started slowly slowly slowly moving the car upwards so I could take the tire off and then replace it.. to complicate things a kindly stranger pulled up to help us with his hydraulic jack and I could have been stubborn but accepted it..Jeremy made the comment, “It goes against everything in my nature to let her do this” which made me all the more determined to do it, dang it!!! so got the jack to pull up the car (a lot faster than a manual for sure) and then pulled the lug nuts off.. at this point my back started to hurt and I cried Uncle and just gave in to the pressure of the two “men” who were ready to take it over and watched as they did what likely would have taken me at least 30 minutes to do in about 5.

I was feeling frustrated about it and shared that with my husband and he brought up the very good point, I have never been taught and every time I try, some guy walks up to help and its not that I don’t appreciate it, its just that I haven’t been strong enough to say, “no, I got this…. ” because I truly don’t believe I do. Which I plan to fix TODAY.

I am going change the tire on my car in my driveway tonight where there is no pressure, no fancy dress or anything else or anyone else to help.. no it won’t fix the embarrassment over last night or the other 4 times this has happened where I SWORE it would NOT happen again but it’s a start. I don’t share this lightly, I am embarrassed and I am sure my feminist friends are pretty ticked at me, but I swore to be honest with you, my readers, and that is what I am doing.

I think we all have gaps in Life Training and its our job to actively seek ways to fill them. For example, until I turned 33, I did not know how to budget or balance a checkbook, I do now. I also did not know how to cook, I do now.. So really, this is just a skill I haven’t learned yet.

Think about it, and think about ways to fill your own gaps TODAY! –

Its soooo much simpler than we think…

June 18, 2015 TheBossOfBalanceLeave a comment

Dear Readers,

As I was watching my niece yesterday, she was coloring a beautiful rainbow of colors and I asked her, “what is that?” and she replied “cking” so that is either chicken or duckling but I am not sure which and you know what? That is okay. It is 100% okay to not fully KNOW what something is especially in the creative process.

Yes, she is 2 and I am 38 but you know the lesson remains the same. It doesn’t actually matter what it is, it just matters that I asked. It just matters that you ask someone ( about their creation ) what is that and REALLY be okay for the answer to be,

“I don’t know yet”

Life is a lot like that if you think about it.. we are constantly creating and defining things and sometimes the question doesn’t have a concrete answer and that is okay too.

While you are at it, reframe how you think about creativity.. it can be either the way the table is set or the way this photograph was taken..

Think about it.