I am not a “go with the flow” kind of woman. Allow me to illustrate.
When I moved from New Orleans to Austin, I had an apartment and a job before I put one foot in a moving truck. (Never mind that my car broke down on the way here and I had to take a bus from Mount Pleasant, Texas to Austin)
I meticulously planned our wedding within an inch of it’s life. (Never mind that many, many things did not go according to that plan)
If I have a new place I need to drive, I ALWAYS do a trial run. (Never mind that I still sometimes get lost)
So to say I like to organize and plan is really an understatement.
But after being pregnant for 16 weeks (today!) I am beginning to realize that NOTHING is going to go according to plan, and we can plan all we want to.. but in observing my very organized friends who are parents (you know who you are!) I watch them have to “flex” and “change” all the time.. so I guess I need to think about that being something to adopt.
As you can see, in looking back at all those events, some “going with the flow” was required and it’s important to note, the planning was NOT infallible so I suppose “flow” is not all bad and in anticipation of becoming a parent, the adoption of some “flow” wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
For a long time now I have been actively seeking a healthier lifestyle, I eat mostly healthy food, I exercise and I drink a lot of water.
Of late, this has become even more important as I am growing a human inside my belly. It still boggles my mind to type that. The optimum diet is best for a healthy baby and I know that with my head..but then emotion takes over and the minute things get a little stressful, I run to Taco Bell and indulge the impulse to eat food that is not only unhealthy but contains lots of high fructose corn syrup which continues the cycle.. the more you eat, the more you want.. and it also has a property in it that doesn’t tell you when you are full which is even more fun!
So in talking to my Mom, who is very wise, we discussed it rationally and logically and she pointed out a few things to try when encountering the impulse.
When you get a craving, why do you have it? Are you hungry, angry, lonely or tired? HALT..Stop and think about it! Be intentional.
If you get the impulse to go eat something not very healthy think about it and try to hold of for at least 20 minutes while thinking of all the rationalizations for eating the not so great food.
My doctor has said that the most weight I should gain for the baby is 10 pounds so it is my responsibility as a mom in the making to do the right thing for the baby.
Pregnancy weight is easy to gain, hard to take off
Begin with the end in mind. My end goal is to model healthy behavior for my child. That means that I need to have healthy habits myself that she can emulate
All this is NOT to say that there will not be times when I eat cake and chocolate and yes, even Taco Bell.. I know that I will give in to the impulse but at this point, I am trying hard to “THINK” before I “EAT”
I think it’s just as important to discuss the struggle as it is to discuss the triumph so right now I am celebrating the fact that I didn’t eat Taco Bell or other fast food for lunch today.
If you are anything like me, you spend a good amount of time worrying despite the fact that as the saying goes, “Worry is interest paid on a debt that never comes due”- I have gotten decidedly better about this but it is still a struggle to not constantly worry. I used to worry that my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband) would all of a sudden fall apart and the “other shoe would drop” and then I would see the “Real him” but guess what? there was no other shoe. We definitely have our problems, but we work very hard to solve them and I don’t worry about “the other shoe” anymore.
This post is about the fact that while I am 14 weeks pregnant and very happy to be so, I am still worried about things that can go wrong. I have seen the picture ^^^ Hi baby! and I definitely feel tired and there are some cravings (peanut butter and a constant need for milk) but other than that, there aren’t yet visible signs of my being with child. Several people I have told that I am pregnant were far more excited than I was and I couldn’t put my finger on why. By the way, I don’t think that there is anything wrong with any level of excitement, as it is MY pregnancy and how I FEEL will be how I FEEL and feelings are not bad or good, they just are. That took me almost 25 years to learn but it’s a very important thing to remember.
Back to my lack of enthusiasm (which is truly out of character for me) and the abundance of worry… I was troubled by this for a while but realized after a conversation with my Mom that it is a natural part of the process of being pregnant. Can you say emotional? Can you say hormonal? Especially because we were pregnant before and at 5 and 1/2 weeks, March 10, 2015, we had a miscarriage and I lost the baby. I am being very careful to use specifics like. “miscarriage” and “lost the baby” because its really important to use the words that describe what happened. That is as horrible as it sounds and I am having a difficult time typing through the tears because though I am pregnant now, that was a hard loss for us.
I went through the five stages of grief, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. It looks extremely clinical when you read it in black and white there but I want to tell you it was anything but that, There is no particular order to those stages and you can find yourself in a few at the same time, and its not a predictable schedule. I would go from being totally “okay” to “utter basket case” – I had supportive family of choice members, as well as very close friends who did a great job of listening and taking care to just “be there” which is an underrated skill, believe me.
It has taken me this long to talk about it, but I knew even in the midst of the pain I was feeling both physical and emotional that I WOULD eventually talk about it. The more I discussed it with people, the more I found out how common it is. 7 out of 10 women have had miscarriages and it doesn’t get talked about a lot. I guess because it isn’t the cheeriest topic, but as a speaker and definitely as a woman, I felt like it was something that I SHOULD talk about no matter how difficult.
It was actually my wonderful and supportive husband who first floated the idea by me on a particularly weepy night in May when I told him I was having a really hard time getting past it and he suggested it might be cathartic to give a speech about it. So we did, It was well received and my hope is that if you are reading this and have been through something similar, that you take heart, and find comfort in the fact that there is hope and there is support. If you haven’t had a miscarriage but know someone who has and you think it will help them, please share this with them. Here is the speech- I am still a little scared to share, but the vulnerability of others is how we progress, right?
I think we could all stand to be a bit more open about the struggles we face in life. Who knows? Your struggle could inspire someone else to keep fighting the good fight.
Dear Readers, My family of choice is so dear to me, and I would not trade them for anything, especially given my horrible, no good family of origin. As for my family of origin, I will say this for them, they brought me into the world and I thank them for that.
Sometimes I get really mad when I think about how much they weren’t there, didn’t support me, didn’t love me the way I deserve to be loved. Sometimes I hate that I care about people who don’t deserve it.
But then my cheery disposition takes over, and then I am grateful I that I do. It means I am capable of feeling more than they EVER did, which ultimately means I loved them deeper than they will ever love me. I am better off because I learned to love only those who deserve it.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, Feel what you feel,(the pain, the anger, the sadness) but KNOW this, you are stronger for the choice you made to leave and love yourself.
Dear Readers, today’s post is dedicated to those who are afraid to try something.
Stop being afraid and do it. RIGHT NOW! Start that run, book or blog post you have been toying with doing.. What is the worst that could happen? You would fall?
Maybe, but my darling.. what if you fly?
In thinking back on some of the scarier moments of my life, I have to admit they are followed by some of the most exciting.
I moved to Austin from New Orleans the summer of 1997 and while it was very scary and other than a job and an a one bedroom apartment I didn’t have a friend in the world, it was very exciting to be on my own for the first time- Scary and I definitely made mistakes.. (using my credit card to get into thousands of dollars of debt springs to mind as one)
I worked right after high school before attending college and that was mostly by necessity, because it turns out I didn’t have a magical college fund (don’t you hate it when life is NOT like the movies?) and had to work to earn some money before going to school. I started Austin Community College in January of 1999 and I actually looked forward to going to class, I was paying for it so I was absolutely motivated to go and do well. I asked tons of questions and learned so much in every class even the ones I was less inclined to enjoy.
In 2007, I was asked to stage manage my first show by a dear friend who trusted me to handle it.. Her famous words to me were “You are incredibly organized so I know you can handle this” and little did I know that a few years later, this very valuable experience would lead me to directing several of my own shows. Scared? yes. Did I do it anyway? You bet!
In 2014, I lost 50 pounds by using the paleo diet and to mark the milestone I planned a glamorous photo shoot and when I did the dry run and growing increasingly more freaked out…frantically went through the costume closet… I found out… “you will be wearing a swimsuit, because it’s the only thing we have in your size” – At first I was pretty mad, after all I lost weight doesn’t that mean more options should be available? This was not the case, so I looked around for a other outfits and panicked thinking.. how can I wear a swimsuit.. but eventually (due to advice from my Mom and several of my mutually sexy friends) decided to go for it and I must say it was very exciting to me how good I did look. Being scared didn’t stop me and I can tell you it wound up being an incredibly edifying experience. For more on that you can read this post:
When an opportunity came for me to do a workshop for 120 people as a professional coach and speaker I was 100% not ready to do it.. but I said to myself… Do it. you will never feel ready to do it but jump in and say you will. Doing that built my confidence even more and I can honestly say, I was not ready.. not even close.. but I got there..
So back to you, gentle reader, is there something that you want to do, have always wanted to do and just feel scared, intimidated and NOT READY? I have bad news and good news.
When I was singing with my church on Monday, during first Monday prayer (which is a totally awesome event that my church does once a month, its a time for us to gather and pray and we all sit and pray and sing songs.. I love it.
Can I tell you a secret? I used to hate it, because I felt like everyone else’s prayers were more eloquent than mine and so I would strive to be more descriptive and impressive until Monday night. I sang the songs and then when it was time to pray, I said aloud exactly what was on my heart. I didn’t care about impressing anyone.. truly. That is scary and liberating at the same time. I could definitely stand to read my bible more but the praying thing is a step in the right direction. This post is not about me and how well I pray or even how well you pray.. It is about the idea that you do pray.
When you want for something, if you don’t ask for it, how do you expect to get it? I am not saying God is like a genie in a bottle and you rub that lamp and bam its done.. no. Prayer does not work like that. I have had some experience with this. I have prayed for “patience” in the past and God does not give it to you in a beautifully wrapped package with a brightly colored bow.. It tends to be a bedraggled box that you see on the side of the road that through your gain of that gift becomes the asset you seek. It looks different for everyone so watch for it.
Whether you believe in God or not, whether you are guided by the Universe or Karma, I think its a worthwhile thing to meditate, or pray or contemplate what your purpose in life actually is. Also, there is no one right way to pray or do any of the above.
I think something that has been weighing on my heart and mind of late is to stop all the busyness. It is often looked at as a badge of honor (and I have certainly said it) “I am sorry I have been too busy to call, write, text, visit, (fill in the blank)” — It doesn’t help that social media lends itself to keeping us in the loop of liking and commenting but not CONNECTING with each other.
So the question I have is.. when saying that.. ask yourself, what are you busy doing?
Are you living the life you want to live? Spending time with the people you want to spend with? Or are you spending time on activities and people that are toxic and don’t add to you or your goals? Really think about that the next time you start to make an excuse for your
“busy”… What are you “busy” doing?
Dear Readers,
A very bold statement.. but truly.. since I gave up soda, my ability to give up other things has increased exponentially! Take today for instance, Its a busy day at work and despite being offered donuts and brownies and cake, OH MY! I have resisted each time.
Here’s my evidence, Between December 17th and January 17th I gave up all processed foods, dairy, and sugar.. so in doing that while it was the most temptation ridden time
(Hello Christmas party, and birthday and holiday) but truly once you make the decision to CHOOSE differently, it does get easier. Now notice.. there was a 30 day period.. not 60..
On my birthday, I ate some very delicious not at all healthy treats but I committed to no keeping up the “no soda” bit.. and I sincerely believe that has helped me to keep resisting (not all the time) but MOST of the time with the idea that I want a different result for my health.. so I am going to have to do some things differently to bring about that result. This includes FRESCA which I love.. but its the idea of soda as much as the caramel coloring and flavoring!!
Don’t get me wrong, I still eat lovely macaroni and other items that are not in the category of vegetable or meat…. Important to note: I fail to resist the sweet treats all the time.. but the intentional act of resisting is there, and it is making a difference. The way I see it, every act of resistance, gives me another building block of more resistance, knowing I can do it.. helps me to keep doing it.
What ONE thing can you change TODAY? The focus on this question is today, because we can’t speak into the future and say, I will never have a soda again, I can only say, today, I will not drink a soda. The picture below is the result of several months of “resisting” shoe shopping.. then after almost a year. I bought really awesome fabulous shoes…
So I heard a speech on Tuesday from my good friend Shauna about what the Dalai Lama has to say about humanity and taking a breath to REALLY take in the person across from you and really live in your present and I have had subsequent conversations about the french fry theory- For more on that you will have to talk to my friend Leanne, suffice it to say its about living in the moment and seizing your life (*and the ephemeral fried food which is only good for about 3 minutes and then its worthless.. Science does not lie*) and really living it. I feel as though I do a very good job of this most of the time but today I was reminded that amidst aggravation and frustration I was talking to a real human and it was my duty to SEE her as a human not as the source of my annoyance. Taking that beat, feeling that mindfulness that Rachel talks about (man I have some seriously wise friends) made a TREMENDOUS difference in the interaction and as a result I feel much more at peace with the world in general.
So my message to you? The next time you feel your ire being raised, take that moment, look the other person in the eye and see them for the human being they are and give them that breath to be themselves and express their humanity to you and then in doing so, embrace your own humanity….
Today is a stressful day at work and that is okay, I think sometimes stress is good. It means change (always inevitable) is coming and that you get the opportunity to adapt to it.
The same is true about life. I can choose to stress out about the fact that I am not going to be ready for the 1020 in April or I can embrace the fact that I had a health issue and move past it. For those who don’t know, I pulled my back in January (on my birthday in fact) and I am just this week starting to feel like my “old self” so I am going back to working out but it will be a slow track back. I was talking to my workout buddy about this and she was super supportive and said, “you need to do what is right for you” and it got me thinking.
Where does stress actually come from? I think it has to do with expectations, yours for yourself and other people’s expectations of you. You may or may not know this, but you can’t control what other people expect of you. You can ONLY control what YOU expect of you. So if you are expecting too much of yourself, lower your expectations to something slightly more realistic and in doing so, you will likely lower your stress.
It sounds sooooo simple.. but like most simple advice, its simple to say, HARD to do.
What expectations do you have of yourself and are you causing some of your own stress by being too hard on yourself?
Think About It…. The choice is completely up to you!
Yesterday I was a little late for work and because I was I got all kinds of questions about where I was and what was wrong and why wasn’t I there?
I can only surmise because it is out of character for me to be late. It is true, I tend to show up early and stay late.. and most of the time I am at least 5 minutes early to boot. I guess it comes from a military mindset of “if you are on time, you are late, if you are early, you are on time” and a strong work ethic. To be sure there are times when you are late that it simply is out of your control but a habit of being late is not one I have.
I had occasion to run into someone today who made it pretty clear to me that I matter to her and something I said to her a YEAR ago has made a large difference to her finances. I have had similar conversations with some of my readers, team members and clients who have said the same in one form or another. It is meaningful each time I hear it.
I think it continues to shock me because for a very long time in my life I was told by relatives that I did not matter and I believed it for a really long time. It’s only after acquiring people in my life (that family of choice I am always talking about) who told me otherwise (on a consistent basis) that I began to believe it. It took years for me to actually take compliments without sloughing them off like its nothing.
So while this post is about making a difference and about me realizing that I profoundly matter. This post is also about YOU.
YOU make a difference to someone else, trust me. You might be the difference between that someone smiling because of a compliment you gave them. You might be the only nice word that someone hears today. The text you send to a friend you are thinking of could be the lift they need to keep going through a difficult time.
If you are anything like me, you spend a good amount of time worrying despite the fact that as the saying goes, “Worry is interest paid on a debt that never comes due”- I have gotten decidedly better about this but it is still a struggle to not constantly worry. I used to worry that my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband) would all of a sudden fall apart and the “other shoe would drop” and then I would see the “Real him” but guess what? there was no other shoe. We definitely have our problems, but we work very hard to solve them and I don’t worry about “the other shoe” anymore.
Haston Helping Hands 